In truly history-making news, a team of NASA scientists has announced evidence of an alien society in the Milky Way so advanced it gives out free menstrual products to its inhabitants.
“The confirmation of a communicating extra-terrestrial intelligent civilization in our galaxy is a discovery that will change the course of human history,” says NASA astrobiologist Dr. Laleh Rostami.
“Well actually, we didn’t discover them; they discovered us,” Dr. Rostami adds. “Obviously, they’re a little ahead of Earth’s societal advancement — I mean, pads, tampons, and birth control are free there.”
But while it’s naturally tempting to compare the alien society to that of our own, NASA officials warn that viewing the civilization through a human cultural lens is inadequate and even misleading.
“When we told the extra-terrestrial beings that in the country NASA’s based out of menstrual products are produced and sold for profit as luxury items to individuals who need them, they were confused,” Dr. Rostami says. “But when we started to explain the debate surrounding this practice as a women’s health issue, they were even more confused because they don’t have gender.”
A majority of the communication’s transcript remains classified, but officials report the aliens grew increasingly bummed as they learned about Earth.
One translated quote released to the public reads, “We’re so sorry to hear everything about your civilization. You can send us a signal if you ever desire our help, but otherwise, we will leave you alone forever as our culture values taking care of all its creatures and minding our own business.”
The aliens requested the exact location of their planet be omitted in order to prevent Earth-based billionaires from trying to go there.
“Clearly they don’t want much to do with us,” says Dr. Rostami. “But it’s still inspiring to know that there’s confirmed intelligent life beyond Earth in our galaxy and that it’s so advanced.”
“However, they showed us their pads,” Dr. Rostami adds. “And I will say, they’re still huge, unwieldy, and constantly get stuck to your pubes.”
