Like many of you, I was excited to try the recipe for ‘fuck me pasta’ that was making the rounds on my Facebook feed. Everyone promised that with one taste of the pasta, a guy wouldn’t be able to control himself from wanting to fuck me. My target was Jason, a sexy 28-year-old media intern. Unfortunately, my mom ate the leftovers, and now she can’t stop humping all of my furniture.
On one hand, the pasta was a success. Moments after Jason finished eating, he tore off my clothes and took me right then and there! On the other hand, it’s been a complete disaster since my mom got into the leftovers and is currently grinding her pubic bone against the coffee table with the furor of a jungle cat in heat.
It turns out “fuck me pasta” is the perfect antidote to those will-they-or-won’t they situations. You know the ones: You’ve been on two or three dates and there are definitely sparks but, for whatever reason, he hasn’t made a move. If you really want him to hop on the overnight shuttle to Pound Town, you’re going to have to put your culinary prowess to good use. Unless your mom eats it; in which case, put away any fragile items in your home, because she will try to hump all of them and they will break.
Thanks to the “fuck me pasta,” Jason was more than ready to move things into the bedroom. But I can’t help but wish my mom would go into her bedroom. She’s had two orgasms so far, even though I told her I’m trying to work. The ottoman is drenched and candles on the dining room table have all but disappeared. So annoying.
I have to say; I got my cooking skills from my mom, who has just removed all her clothes and is currently rubbing olive oil on her nipples while seducing a rolling pin. I guess it’s just a really good recipe.
While I highly recommend “fuck me pasta” for getting a guy to fuck you, I don’t recommend leaving leftovers in the fridge without labeling the container “FUCK ME PASTA”.
Trust me; I won’t be making that mistake again.
