Even though I’ve already said I don’t want a relationship with my Tinder hookup, David, he seems to believe otherwise. Yes, I do want to spend a lot of time with him, but not the reasons he suspects. He thinks I want to be exclusive, but I’m just looking for a human host.
I fell to Earth 20 million years ago and if I don’t find a new body to take over soon, I’ll die. I’m tired of men assuming my motivation must be relationship-based simply because I’m occupying a female flesh vessel, when I’m actually a genderless alien who will feed off anyone’s life force as long as they’re alive.
Also, I’ve only been on one “date” with David and it was to Chop’t, which I’m pretty sure doesn’t count. That’s why I felt so annoyed when the next day, completely unprompted, he warned me about his inability to commit. How arrogant of him to assume I’d want a commitment from him after such mediocrity. When I told him to do better, it had to do with siphoning off his soul. I have standards, and I’m not settling until I meet the right human whose skin suit makes the perfect house for me.
I reassured David I wasn’t looking for romance with him, and he relaxed for a little while. But after another week of having casual sex in the back of his Nissan Altima, he started acting distant again.
“Is it something I’m doing?” I wondered. I thought the only vibe I gave off was radiation from all the galaxy residue I’ve swallowed, but apparently it’s also a vibe guys interpret as, “Marry me!” David was convinced I wanted something more from him.
While his presumption infuriated me, I admitted it was partially true. I did want something more from him. Again, not a relationship—but to infest his body, destroying it from the inside out as I grew powerful enough to finally kill him. I wanted to meld with his mind and feast on his paltry memories until the man once called “David” was nothing more than a withered husk of his former self, and I was finally strong enough to explode through his chest cavity—strong, but single.
David couldn’t handle an independent life form though, because after I told him all that, he drove away as fast as he could.
He apologized while backing out of my driveway, saying I “must feel disappointed,” but that’s another incorrect assumption. Human relationships mean nothing to me. I’ve been alive since the beginning of time. My true form is an egg. So, here’s some advice for all of you Earthly men: Get the idea that all women want a relationship with you out of your heads, because we don’t. Some of us just want to supernaturally enter your body, then drain you of your essence until you don’t exist anymore. It’s that simple!