Summer Scarves That Say, ‘I Got My Neck Sucked Like A Preteen Last Night’

scarf woman

You’ve got a bright new assortment of flirty dresses to spice up your tired summer wardrobe, but there’s one problem: You have some unsightly neck splotches from getting some action last night. If it were winter, you’d throw on a turtleneck and no one would be the wiser, but with the hot weather you have no choice but to throw on a summer scarf to hide the fact that you have pretty much the same hickey as your 12-year-old niece.


The Butterfly Scarf

The butterfly scarf is a great way to try trick people into thinking, “Oh, it’s a summer accessory!” instead of “Oh shit, Cara had one too many flirtinis last night and got funky with a 19-year-old!” Also, you 100% have one of these in your closet from when you actually were in middle school, so this fix is easy!


The Scarf Your Aunt Knitted

You’ve been wondering when and how to use the scarf Aunt Patty knitted for you three birthdays ago, and now’s your chance because you really fucked up last night and CANNOT go into work looking like your new boyfriend Andy is a straight up vampire. Because Aunt Patty only knits “for fun,” the scarf has a lot of holes, so make sure to wrap it around at least four times or else those holes will let the light shine right through and your entire office will know what you’ve been up to and you’ll be like Oh my goddddd, stoppp ittttt, Lisaaaa!




The Scarf That Might Be A Headband

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and sometimes all you have is a flowy-headband-handkerchief-tie-dye-thing from that year you lived on a Kibbutz and grew your own cucumbers. It smells like crusty old hummus and tobacco but works when you’re in a pinch because you made a bad life decision and thought it was okay to let Avi give you ten hickies when you’re a grown-ass woman with a job and shit. Hickies don’t even feel good!


A Full-On Winter Scarf

Nothing says, “I got my neck sucked like a preteen last night” like wearing a fuzzy wool scarf in 90 degree weather. If this is all you got, you might as well give up and show those bruisy bad boys to the world. Stand up on your balcony and shout, “Yes, YES, I have broken capillaries, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?” It’s what your scarf is already saying anyway.


There you have it, ladies: the best summer scarves for covering up last night’s retreat into tweenhood. And if you don’t have any of those scarves, you can always try an icepack, a cold spoon or a secluded island with no people around to judge you for having a little fun, goddammit.