We’ve all been there. You’re in the salon chair, getting the usual trim-the-dead-ends-and-add-some-layers, but there’s something else going on. Debby is combing your hair, rubbing mousse into her hands with soft circular swishing noises, talking in a lowered voice and suddenly you’re having full-fledged autonomous sensory meridian response–or “ASMR” for short. What a headache! Or rather, the opposite of a headache: a body orgasm. Here’s how to play it cool when Debby is kind of getting you off:
Never fear! A little prep work and you can go full Meg Ryan in that chair and Debby will be none the wiser. She’ll never guess that your spine is shivering with delight if you’re ready with engaging conversation topics like: that cool new podcast you found, a new liquid eyeliner you like, or the civil war in South Sudan! Try to keep it together when Debby responds in a husky whisper about her vacation upstate. On no, those neurons are firing again! Abort conversation!!!
Read a Magazine
Distract yourself from Debby’s magic by reading a magazine, the universal signal for “I don’t want to interact during this salon service.” And look! There’s a cool article about Camila Alves making her own butterscotch pudding from scratch. Reading is a great distraction. The gentle, repetitive flipping of pages, the fluttering of those waxy leaves like all the best parts of autumn snuggling around your brain like a scarf as you feel each of your vertebra… okay, no more magazines!!!
If you really run out of options, there’s always the last resort: take a Xanax and, I don’t know, maybe a Benadryl? And lean into it. You’re determined to have a good haircut where you keep up your reputation with the salon ladies, and it looks like the bodygasm is inevitable, so just ride the wave, baby. Put on sunglasses—no one can tell what’s going on in your head if you’re wearing sunglasses. And even if she does figure it out, I’m sure Debby’s seen worse. She was in like four car accidents last year!
Debby doesn’t just give great cuts—she also gives mindboggling ASMR responses. With these tips, you’ll be able to stay as cool as your haircut.