My Gastrointestinal Problems Are Part of My Hot Girl Brand, but I Really Would Like Some Relief

Like many of the hot girls who came before me, hallowed be their names, my stomach hurts. This chronic health problem is a significant part of my hot girl brand, and the last thing I would want is to come across as ungrateful for the doors it has opened for me, but with that being said, I really would like some relief. Like, medical help? I’m not okay.


IBS, non-specified abdominal pain, and gastrointestinal problems are an integral component of hot girl culture broadly, and of my brand more specifically. I stand on the shoulders of giants, and I revere this cultural history that began maybe around 2018. However, my poops are not good. They are not the stools of an otherwise healthy young person. I tried taking probiotics and ohmygod it did NOT help. Something is perhaps deeply wrong with my biome?


Of course, I can’t help but fear I will lose myself if I find the underlying cause of my digestive issues. Will my Twitter followers stay for the thirst traps if I fail to deliver on complaining about my enraged colon? I don’t know who I am without this medical problem, but I also really would like to eat a normal meal without experiencing cramping and/or diarrhea. Should I make an appointment with a gastroenterologist? That could be my brand: gastroenterology-patient hot girl?



Sometimes my stomach pain is so severe I think I should go to the emergency room, which would probably make a pretty good story time, but then inevitably they would try to diagnose the issue. Maybe on some level I’m afraid of addressing because I’m afraid of what I might learn, like what I’m really sick? What if my time is running out? But mostly I think it’s just the hot girl brand thing.


So to my fans and followers, I would only ask that you consider the fact that behind my quips about having explosive diarrhea at the Sweetgreen bathroom, there is a real person, and she is suffering. Is our parasocial bond not strong enough for you to wish for my healing? Should I rebrand to writing personal essays? Ugh, no. That’s definitely not hot.