There’s a growing trend for parents to bring goody bags on airplanes as a way to ease the burden our procreation puts on other passengers. Unlike the loud and cranky adults on the plane who don’t know any better and can’t control themselves,your child has you as a resource and should therefore be exhibiting near-perfect behavior at all times. So as a safeguard against their slip-ups you naturally want to give each and every passenger a small goody bag filled with earplugs, candy, and the 75 mini liquor bottles you just purchased at Duty Free. But what about when you’re not on a plane? Surely there are people who are annoyed by your child in other everyday situations? If you want to really cover your bases, here are some more places you can bring tokens of apology for your children.
If you must bring your children out in public and expose people to their childlike ways, you should really come prepared to acknowledge how terrible they are. Sure, you could bring crayons and paper along to keep your child entertained and happy, but wouldn’t it be easier to hand out a couple dozen goody bags to each restaurant patron while explaining what they’re for, and how annoying your children might be during the course of their meal and how you are very, very apologetic for their existence?
Buses feel so much like an airplane it’s scary, and it’s especially scary that you brought your child there, to a place normally reserved for the transport of adults. If you use any form of public transportation, be sure to carry a backpack full of refreshments for everyone on board (NO JUICE BOXES for your obnoxious child) and stand near the door so you can hand a small bag to anyone before they have to lay eyes on your repulsive progeny.
Surely you don’t invite people over to your den of child vice, but in case a delivery person should happen to stop by and catch a glimpse of your pint-sized terror, you’ll want to keep small bags of loose cigarettes and gum by the door to calm their nerves when your child bangs his head against the coffee table.
Helicopters are pretty loud so your kid probably isn’t bothering anyone besides you and the pilot who is rushing your child to a better hospital, but you should probably throw him a $20 or something to acknowledge that it was pretty stupid of you to have children.
No one should ever have to bear witness to the heart-rending behavior of children, especially in a public setting. But if you ever cave in to the desire to drag them from their den, be sure to bring small bags of treats to keep the world around you happy. Remember: It’s your job!