Mom Wondering Why You Won’t Just Win a Nobel Peace Prize and Settle Down Like Malala

Earlier this morning in Doylestown, PA, your mom just learned Malala Yousafzai, the world’s youngest Nobel Prize laureate, got married at the age of 24 years old.


This is causing never-before-seen pressure on you, her 28-year-old daughter, who has nothing to show other than a history of dating reformed mall rats and whose only accolade is an Effort Award from middle school, which was awarded on a technicality.


“I’m just worried for you,” said your mom Cindy, despite her previous claim to be cool with whatever you’re up to, “as long as you’re safe and happy”.


“If you don’t try harder today, your life will pass you by,” she added. “That Norwegian Nobel Committee will never even consider you as a candidate, let alone shortlist you for the prize, and then you’ll never find love. If she can do it, why can’t you?”


“I’d prefer she only harped about settling down into a lifelong partnership like most moms, but apparently I have to promote several peace congresses before we can even get to that conversation,” you shared. “If Malala really wanted to support other women, maybe she would have delayed her marriage to stop my mom from pressuring me.”


When you told your mother that Malala already has concerns about marriage so it’s not wise to rush into things so young, that’s when Cindy really fucking gave it to you.


“Yeah, concerns about child marriage, divorce, forced marriage, imbalance of power in marriage, women making more compromises than men due to the patriarchy and misogyny. Watch the interview,” Cindy retorted, citing the female education activist almost verbatim. “Maybe your newfound activism can address those concerns since Malala already did the work of listing them out for you.”



Your mom maintains she isn’t asking for a lot.


“You don’t have to make a New York Times documentary, write an international best-selling book, or survive an assassination attempt by the Taliban all today,” she said. “But you have to start somewhere, like attending a global summit, at least.”