In a developing story out of Orlando, FL, your mom Helena Lee is reportedly getting so good at finding fault with you that she is threatening to overtake your long-held position as your own number-one critic in life.
According to sources, you’ve always worked hard to be your own number-one critic, by being quick to jump on your human mistakes, doubt all your wins, and hold yourself to impossible standards.
“This is a challenger I saw coming, as my mom has always held her own in the field of bringing me down,” you told reporters. “But I’ve always reigned as the person most effective at undermining myself. I’m not about to lose my title now.”
However, your mom is confident as she comes for your top spot.
“I love my daughter. I just show that by coming up with new reasons she should worry about her past, present, and future,” your mom said. “My daughter’s days of being her number-one critic are limited, as I’m proving that I’m a serious contender for the title.”
Sources say that ever since puberty, your mother has been steadily upping her numbers of criticizing you, with casually scathing comments such as, “Let me see your face. What’s wrong with your skin these days?” and “Are you sure you don’t want to eat less/more?”
However, a close-call occurred earlier this week during your mother’s phone call, when she introduced a radically new, totally innovative technique of finding fault with you: criticizing you for the things you do well.
“This is honestly a new form of self-criticism I’ve never even thought of applying before,” you said. “Normally, I just stick to focusing on my mistakes, failures, and personal shortcomings for reasons to doubt myself. I didn’t realize my strengths were also resources I could mine for material to bring myself down. I am definitely taking notes.”
“In this last phone call, I found a way to criticize her for taking her health seriously, or showing talent and motivation in the pursuit of her choosing,” your mom said. “It doesn’t make sense, but if you can pull it off, you can do some serious damage that way.”
After this photo finish, sources say your mom’s ability to rain on your parade is getting so close to beating yours that judges had to rewatch the playback reel to verify that you truly are still the number-one critic in your life. While the title is still yours for now, fans are already buzzing that your mom could pull off a historical upset in the coming weeks.
At press time, you announced that you will resume training to protect your title as your own number-one critic.
“Every morning, I hit multiple reps of negative affirmations in the mirror,” you said. “Despite my mom’s strong recent numbers, I will come out of this as my most effective hater to-date.”
