How To Own Your Success While Still Blaming Your Mom For Your Failures

You’re a successful, self-made woman, and you have no one to thank for it but yourself. But also, it’s important that you don’t take accountability for the bad things about you—because they’re all your mom’s fault. Seriously. Here’s how to own your success while not owning the less great parts of you because honestly, your mom fucked up:


Always Take Sole Credit for Your Accomplishments

Let’s say you got that promotion at work. In this instance, that promotion was all you, baby! Only YOU put in those hours and only YOU made the magic happen. Did she pay for your college and support you while you figured out what you wanted to do? Yes, but… but she’s like, a bitch for questioning if you were really happy in your chosen major that one time, so it doesn’t matter.


Place Blame Squarely On Your Mom for All Negative Life Experiences

Think about this classic scenario: The guy you were dating for three weeks breaks up with you over text. Now think about how your mom is the reason you’re a terrible communicator who seeks constant validation by calling guys multiple times a day (and 19 times in the middle of the night). Plus, she constantly puts pressure on your romantic life by saying things like, “Just be patient. When it’s right, it’s right.” That kind of black-and-white, rigid, near-fascist worldview your mother espouses has totally screwed you up for life. Thanks a lot, mom! Thanks for real, you!



Have A Daily Mantra That Reminds You Just How Much Your Mom Blows

Here’s a simple affirmation you can do daily: Look in the mirror and say, “I am the captain of my own success.” Then look at a photo of your mother and say, “Thanks for all the failures.” Or just chant, “Bitch” for several minutes. Who doesn’t let their daughter get her ears pierced until she’s seven years old?! You’ll feel so much better after this moment of mindfulness.


Remember That You Are Responsible For Every Challenge You Overcome While Also Remembering That Your Mother Created That Challenge for You

Maybe you lost all that extra weight. Never forget that you have yourself and all your hard work to thank for it. Just because your mom paid for the gym doesn’t mean she helped. And you were only grossly overweight in the first place because of your harpy of a mom who grocery-shopped all the time when you were a kid (even after a long day of work) and kept the fridge filled with a variety of food. How could you not have gained all that weight in that kind of food-obsessed environment?


So remember—your deserve everything you have in life. Unless it’s something bad, like herpes or a raccoon infestation—because that shit is all on your terrible, terrible mom.