Haircut Too Expensive To Hate

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In a story out of San Francisco, 26-year-old Diana Ryans had a disappointingly ugly haircut this weekend, but sources confirm that the hairstyle cost far too much for her to admit this to herself, or anyone else.


“This is literally nothing like the picture I showed my stylist, and I’m still fucking stunned,” Diana confessed. Then, remembering how much the haircut cost her, she quickly added, “But I mean, I’m sure I just need to grow into it!! It’s… it’s kinda cute?”


While she was hoping for a cropped modern bob à la Anna Wintour, Diana reportedly looked in the mirror and saw something closer resembling Coconut Head from the popular Nickelodeon sitcom Ned’s Declassified.


According to sources, Diana wanted to try a bold new look this time and made sure to book a well-reviewed stylist at a premium salon. A sinking feeling reportedly formed in Diana’s stomach, as she realized this haircut cost her the equivalent of a weekend trip to Montreal, first-class, and she could not afford to show any weakness.


Reportedly, Diana’s subconscious calculated that the combination of the exorbitant haircut fee, plus a 20% tip, plus the emotional costs of dealing with the rude hairstylist already amounted to an incredible mental burden. If Diana also allowed herself to admit that the final outcome was actually pretty fucking ugly, this would amount to a devastating blow to her psyche.


Diana, who is no stranger to suppressing uncomfortable emotions when she doesn’t feel like dealing with them, is reportedly taking the bad haircut like a champ, and showing no signs to the outside world that she fucking hates it and wants it off her fucking head.


“I’m just going to work with it,” Diana declared to her friends, and to herself more than anyone. “Hair grows back….,” she said, while Googling which vitamins to eat to make her hair grow back faster.


Diana’s best friend Liz, however, sensed that Diana is just putting on a brave front.


“I see her avoiding any shiny reflective surface that could possibly remind her of her new hair,” said Liz. “And she didn’t post a single photo of it to social media when she was posting incessant Instagram polls about it just a week before.”



At press time, Diana ordered some big hats online.


“It’ll look really cute in a week or so,” she lied. “I’ll be okay.”