With the calling of the election this past Saturday for Joe Biden, First Lady Melania Trump is looking forward to leaving the political spotlight of Washington D.C. to spend more time focusing on her sad and loveless marriage.
While her husband was President, Donald’s busy schedule of tweeting out foreign policy from the White House toilet and zoning out during intelligence meetings took away from their quality time apart. She is glad the days of insulting hurricane victims, hanging with autocrats, and giving her deadly illnesses are almost behind her, and she’s excited to return to normalcy in which Donald is only out of the house when he’s secretly cheating on her with porn stars.
“While I am very proud of of my work in the White House, I am eager to spend more time at home,” she said this Monday. “This will give me an opportunity to spend more time having silent dinners across a long table from my husband, where we both eat separate meals.”
“I’m also just so tired of being scrutinized for the way I dress, or every little thing I’ve said or done,” says Melania. “I’m looking forward to having some quiet time with my son, and to never have to hold my husband’s hand ever again.”
“Honestly, I’m just so relieved it’s over,” she added. “Now, we can take a moment to breathe – and get back to the original terms of our arrangement where I only have to see him once a month.”
Melania is committing to listlessly attempt to reignite the spark in their marriage that was never truly there, until she is inevitably replaced by a younger model with bigger breasts.