In a senseless and disappointing display, this man working out in the park isn’t even doing anything that hot.
“What’s the point of this supposed to be?” said one onlooker, Fatima Patel. “He’s working out right there in the center of the park with plenty of witnesses, but he’s just kind of doing jumping jacks and groaning a lot?”
And Fatima isn’t the only one feeling confused.
“When I work out in the park, I’m predominately motivated by looking hot while I do it, and other people observing that,” says Patrick McAlley. “I might wear a little headband, or take my shirt off because I’m ‘too sweaty’. That’s the whole point.”
“But this guy? I don’t know what he’s doing,” adds Patrick. “His squats make me uncomfortable, actually. He could at least pour some water on his head sexily or do pull-ups on the monkey bars for the playground moms. It seems a little selfish.”
But while sources are quick to point out the error of his ways, all confirm they respect his agency and autonomy.
“I’m sure he’s working out to improve his mental and physical health, or because it makes him feel good, and I celebrate that,” says Fatima. “But at the same time it’s kind of like, this is boring to watch so maybe try doing something hotter.”
Experts confirm that the man’s workout is unlikely to cause a passerby to stare at him so fixedly that she gets tangled in a dog walker’s web of leashes, falls, spills her coffee all over herself, then he jogs over to ask if she’s okay but she doesn’t answer because she’s too distracted by his abs, and this leads him to think she’s concussed, so he insists on accompanying her to urgent care and then they fall in love.
“So yeah,” says Fatima. “It’s just a shame.”
With confusion and regret all around, there was only one place left to go: the source. What was the meaning behind this sexless show of outdoor sporting?
“Huh?” says the man.