Upon waking the morning following her 24th birthday, Ursula Fletcher came across one last surprise from the night before: Henry, the man she’d been seeing, had left her a very intimate voicemail.
“I mean, it wasn’t just cumming… there was a lot of heavy breathing and discussion of what he was gonna do to me,” remarked Ursula. “Like, it’s not what I was expecting, but I guess I appreciate that he took the 83 seconds.”
“It’s kind of a birthday gift?” she added.
Between performing at almost weekly gigs and hosting a podcast, time is a limited resource for 29-year-old Henry. “I wasn’t even expecting to hear from him, really,” Ursula explained. “Birthdays aren’t a big deal to everyone, but like, everyone wants to be found attractive, right? And I think it’s safe to say he finds me attractive. You know, based on his sounds.”
“There was a while when I thought he might be preparing some sweet gesture, like writing me a song or something,'” she confessed, momentarily looking down. “But Henry has so much to do, like, all the time. Plus, this is basically the same thing as recording a song for me. Like, he said my name in it and everything.”
While Ursula admitted she did check her phone throughout the day, just waiting for a single text message from Henry, she was fully understanding of his incredibly complex goings-on, like jerking off via Skype or Facetime with another woman entirely.
“Look, I don’t need some kind of hyper traditional gender-conforming relationship with flowers and love notes,” Ursula said. “It would have been cool to just get like a happy birthday text before a full voicemail of himself cumming. That’s all.”
“In a way, it’s really romantic,” Ursula added. “He could have waited until I picked up, you know? To hear my voice, or to say ‘Happy Birthday.’ But instead, he chose to give me something I could keep forever: a collection of jarringly bestial noises on my phone.”
Henry’s schedule prevented him from being available for comment.
