In a touching display of delusion, 26-year-old Juliana Reed announced Friday that she is known for her sense of humor, despite the widely-held truth that she is known for puking in cabs.
“I’m always the jokester of the friend group,” says Juliana, slurping down her second rum punch on what she earlier announced is an empty stomach.
“Ask any of my friends how’d they describe me and they’ll say I’m super funny,” adds the young woman who has vomited inside nine cabs, out of three cab windows, and been kicked out or refused service by seven drivers because her vibe was so obviously pukey yet unaware. “That’s why on personality quizzes I always say sense of humor is most important to me. Ooh, be right back, I’m gonna go flirt with the bartender.”
Other sources fail to corroborate Juliana’s self-description.
“Within our friend group, I would say that Juliana is primarily known for her tendency to upchuck in cabs and Ubers,” says a longtime friend Shawna Smith. “I’m not saying she’s not funny, she actually has a bizarrely good Sam Rockwell impression, but she only busts it out when she’s really wasted, so I exclusively associate it with screaming for the driver to pull over so I can open the door and save everyone involved from the impending vom.”
“Honestly, I don’t know how she’s managed to pay all those cleaning fees and still afford so many cocktails.”
However, Juliana doesn’t see it that way.
“I’ve always been a comedy-den,” she says, slurring her words. “Also, who’s Sam Rockwell? He sounds made up. What’d you say? Hahaha. Let’s do shots.”
The record indicates no one said anything.
“Mkay, I’m gonna tell a joke,” Juliana says, holding the cheap beer she’s moved onto like a microphone. “Actually, I don’t feel good. Can someone call a car?”
We’ll be keeping our fingers crossed for Juliana’s fledgling comedy career – and that she finds some bars within walking distance to her apartment.