Before I really knew or loved myself, I held in all of my burps. It was exhausting. And then I realized: If I want to really be me, I need to accept every part of me and let it shine. So what – I’m a burpy girl! Freedom tastes so sweet now.
I always knew there was something about me that made me different from other girls, so when I realized I was a burpy girl, it became clear: Girls can burp, and girls can make the fact that they burp their entire personality. Every time I burp, I put another crack in that glass ceiling. I’m turning the glass ceiling into the gas ceiling. You’re welcome.
I wasn’t prepared for the attention I’d get for all the burping. People don’t expect such a harrowing sound to come from such a small, dainty, yet hot girl. One time I even made a little kid scream. But that kid should check its bias, cause I wear makeup and dresses and heels and I’ve been asked to be in several shampoo commercials and yeah, I burp! So what! If you can’t accept that, maybe it’s your fault for being within 30 feet of me.
Sometimes people who think they mean well tell me that it’s ok to be a burpy girl, but that I shouldn’t burp in public. Which is so obnoxious—like I can be myself, but not in front of other people? I know you might think it’s not polite to burp while giving your grandfather’s eulogy. But what’s more important, being polite to a room of 500 people who I barely know, or being polite to myself? I don’t care that there are senators in the room. What even is a senator?
Being a burpy girl makes me feel like a superhero. And while I haven’t directly saved anyone’s life as a burpy girl, when I burp, I hear people ask, “Why does it smell like Cheetos all of a sudden?” I don’t know why my burps always smell like Cheetos, but I’m obviously not complaining. Cheetos smell so good, and giving the gift of the Cheetos smell to the world is enough for me. Well, that and the fact that I’m blazing the path for all the burpy girls who will come after me. Blazing a path and making my surroundings smell like Cheetos—that’s my legacy, and I’m proud of it.
Who would I be if I weren’t a burpy girl? An heiress, sure. But I’d rather leave my mark on the world as a loud and proud Woman Who Burps. Money can’t buy me happiness, but it can buy me a lot of food to eat quickly with my mouth open and seltzer and soda so I can keep my burps on track. I should note that I’ve never once farted, farting is disgusting and I do not condone it for girls. But the next time you see a little girl burp, I hope you think of me: the burpy girl who made that little girl’s future bright.
