IKEA has stylish living solutions for everyone, from college students to new parents to empty nesters. While the Swedish manufacturer can meet your furniture needs at a variety of price points, many pieces are not well suited to fucking or even heavy petting. Interested to know which pieces will hold up under the wear and tear of your vigorous sex life? Read on:
MALM Bed Frame, Queen (Ikea, $179)
The MALM bed frame is a staple in the Swedish retailer’s line of sex-supporting furniture. The sturdy plywood bed frame comes in several neutral colors to match an array of living spaces, and has a slat-style baseboard to prevent it from crashing down during a full-blown pounding. Its center support beam makes it great for fucking one or more partners in your modest studio apartment.
STOCKSUND Chaise (Ikea, $499)
This elegant chaise won’t break the bank, nor will it break underneath you during your drunken escapades with Tim—or it is Ted?—you know, that guy in the Ghostbusters costume who ate you out on Halloween. Yeah, Ted. You should call Ted. And don’t fret if the slipcover gets stained by an obscene amount of sweat—IKEA sells replacements for $199.
MOLTE Desk Chair (Ikea, $14.99)
Although this desk chair has no actual lumbar support, its modest footprint, bright colors, and high-gloss finish make it a solid choice for young professionals wanting a home office and those engaging in a threesome who just want to sit and watch for a bit. Plus, it’s plastic, so you can give it a good wipe-down once your third hits the road.
LIATORP TV Unit (Ikea, $299)
There are more affordable TV units from IKEA than the LIATORP flat screen mount, but it has useful extra storage space for books, media, and lube in case you want to do a quick cowgirl or even a simple fingerbang. Bonus: Its smooth finish will prevent splintering near his very sensitive balls.
HEJSAN Pen Cup Set (Ikea, 2.99)
The sophisticated pattern of the HEJSAN pen cup makes it a steal at under $3 for a pack of three. It also doubles as an aide for a little-known Swedish sex act called Blårdfergen (roughly translated as “nasal rimjob”). While most cardboard desk accessories would welt under any sort of sexual moisture, this one can take the full array of bodily secretions produced during unorthodox oral and still be used to collect #2 pencils!
Be sure to ask your friendly IKEA salesperson for the most up-to-date information and product demonstrations, and ask your shifty-looking Ikea salesperson for info on which items you can go to town on. Good luck!