How to Freak Out About Shit Instead of Just Doing It

There comes a point in every woman’s life where she has to do something she doesn’t want to do, and she’s like, “Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” If you’re at that point, that’s okay! The only thing that makes sense now is to not do that thing and then freak out about it. These simple steps can show you how!


Step 1: Don’t do the thing.

Whatever the thing is that makes you groan at the thought of it, don’t do it. It can be something as simple as tidying up your room to writing an article about procrastination. No matter what it is, the best move for you and those around you is to not do it and then freak yourself out because you haven’t done it yet. Honestly, there’s not even another, more healthy way to go about life. This is the only tried-and-true way to not get things done effectively. So rather than solving your relatively simple problem, consider sitting in a scrunched up ball on your couch thinking about it so hard that you’re maybe not even breathing anymore? Maybe you don’t even exist anymore, but that’s just wishful thinking!



Step 2: Freak out a lot.

This method only works if you follow up step one very quickly with step two. Remember: The thing you need to do could’ve been done so long ago if you had just started when you thought of it, so now it’s time to double down. If possible, make it even worse for yourself by undoing some part of it. If you need to clean your space, try messing it up as a very pointless means of self-sabotage. This will not help you at all, and will trigger a pretty intense downward spiral, allowing you to freak out so much that your friends will be like, “Get out of the space between the toilet and the wall!” But don’t – that’s all part of the whole freaking out deal.


Step 3: Give yourself less time than it is possible to do something.

Let’s say you need to write an article about procrastinating or literally any other task that makes you think, “No, please, I’m too tired to live!” You’ve already done a great job not doing it, then not doing it more, then freaking out about it in a hugely over-reactive way. Now all you need to do is decide to actually complete the task when you have less time than it is physically possible to get the task done. That pressure will drive you to do it, hate yourself the entire time, and then eventually get it done in a completely mediocre fashion! Like this article? Haha JK.


Step 4: Congratulate yourself!

Congratulations, you technically did it! It’s not as good as you want it to be and you could’ve so easily done a nice job if you had just done it in the first place, but where’s the thrill in that? Pat yourself on the back even though you don’t deserve it! More fodder for your article about procrastination, right?


So next time you have something, small or large, that you need to do, just don’t and then be all disappointed in yourself and then do it but badly and then repeat this process until it kills you. This is the healthy way to handle life, right?