I LIVED IT: Something Is Weird With My Contact

I Lived it:

Looking from the outside, you never know what someone might be going through: what demons they’re battling, tragedies they’re weathering, or what annoying thing is going on inside one or more of their eyes. And I am walking evidence of this powerful fact. Indeed, even as I write these very words, something very weird is going on with my left contact.


As soon as I put in my contacts this morning, I knew instinctively something was off. The right contact easily slid onto my eye, instantly imperceptible. But the left? Oh, I could feel it. It wasn’t inside out, obviously. That’s the first thing I checked; I wasn’t born yesterday. Something was just a little weird, but with a naïve heart full of optimism, I headed out the door, assuming whatever fleck was causing me trouble would soon be washed away from the mechanisms of my eye juice or whatever.


Oh, how wrong I was.


Several hours later, my contact is still being a little weird, and I am basically living through days reserved for God’s most hated children. I am – and I’m not mincing words – in Hell.


Some battles are fought behind a veil of perceived normalcy. That’s not really my situation, because I keep trying to adjust my contact and blinking really hard and saying, “Oh, my God, this is the worst feeling in the fucking world. This is so awful. Jesus.” So naturally my coworkers have taken notice, and tried to offer me solutions, all which made my extremely angry, which in turn made more blood rush to head, which I’m fairly sure made my contact thing worse.


It’s not inside out, there’s not something under it, it doesn’t help if I take it out then put it back in ­– it’s just fucking WEIRD.



So if you’re reading this, and you happen to be one of my coworkers whom I cursed out earlier, then please know that I am not sorry. Being sorry is for people who did something wrong, not victims of soft lens eyeball torture.


If you need me, I will be in the bathroom moving my weird contact around my eye and getting increasingly exasperated until someone hopefully tells me to just go home. Oh, wait. I think it feels normal now. Hold on…..FUCK no it’s totally still weird. Fuck.