As a bit of a mid-to-late-to-early-century modern-rustic design fiend myself, I’ve spent years searching for the perfect rug to complete my living room. It’s been a real Goldilocks situation – some rugs are too big for the space, others too small, some too hot, others too cold. But last week, at long last, I found the perfect fit. Sure, it was expensive, but I was determined to pay it off however necessary. That’s how I arrived at my current predicament: I sold all my furniture to afford the rug, but now I have absolutely no furniture left to put on the rug.
Help! What am I supposed to do now?
Admittedly, I could have paid for the rug in monthly installments of $99.99 for the next seven years, but all I can remember from my high school economics class is that it’s a bad idea to take on debt and also poor people deserve to be poor (my teacher was a bad man). So, barely 15 minutes after finding the perfect rug, I listed every single piece of furniture that I owned on Facebook Marketplace: my desk, my chairs, my bed, my roommate’s bed, and her asthma inhaler. Her asthma inhaler is admittedly not a piece of furniture, but it turned a pretty penny, nonetheless.
I watched as all my belongings were snatched up at criminally low prices. When someone sent in an offer, I loved to drive a hard bargain by proposing they take even more furniture for the same price. Turns out, this was also a bad economic decision, but my high school economics teacher never taught us about selling furniture, only about bartering with someone until they sell you their product at well below the market rate and lose out on money that they really need. Like I said: bad man.
By the time my living room was empty, I had enough to cover a down payment on the rug, but not quite enough to pay off the yearly mortgage. So, I invested my profits in crypto, immediately lost it all, and had to sell even more furniture. At this point, my kitchen was empty, too.
At long last, I saved enough to buy the rug outright! Spooling it out on my living room floor felt amazing, especially because there was no pesky furniture to get in the way, but as I stood back to survey my work, I realized I had made a huge mistake: it was upside down. Also, my house was empty.
What the fuck? Who could have seen this coming?
Luckily, I’ve found the perfect solution – I plan to sell the rug on Facebook Marketplace, buy back all of my furniture at an even lower price, and tell the person who bought the rug that actually, it has bed bugs, and luckily for them, I am an exterminator. The future is bright people, and it belongs to those with fluffy shag carpeting!