As girls, we spend our whole childhood (and well into adulthood) trying to make the perfect braid. No bumps, no flyaways, no drooping—just tight, flawless weaves that look effortlessly chic and totally romantic. Well, after years of practice, I am excited to announce that as of today, I have finally done it: I have given myself the prettiest braid ever. Therefore, I must die now.
This is a bittersweet moment for me. I had planned on spending the weekend hanging with my roommate and watching The Bachelor. But like the yogi master who transcends the cycle of Saṃsāra, achieving Nirvana with an unexpected burst of joy and understanding, I have accelerated to the end of what would otherwise have been a lifetime of practice and purpose. Instead, I will rise early on Sunday morning, walk to the middle of a field, and light myself on fire.
This is all because of an article I read yesterday on the bus.
I mistakenly believed the title’s promise to reveal “The Number-One Technique To Make The Best Braid Of All Time” was just an exaggeration to get more clicks. But instead it contained a profound braiding truth.
The trick is called “pancaking” and it guided me in achieving this voluminous, enviable braid of lore. It has also made the rest of my life meaningless, and so I am going to make my entry into the afterlife.
But first, I will share my discovery with you, dear disciple, if indeed you are ready to receive it.
- First, create a deep left side part.
- Next, give yourself a traditional French braid.
- Then, “pancake” away. This means to gently pull apart at each section of the braid with your thumb and pointer finger, and absolutely not any other fingers. Your goal is to make your braid flat, like a pancake. Remember that. Like a pancake. To pancake is to create the illusion of a fuller, much bigger braid. Your hair will be pancake-like, and thus, beautiful. Continue until you understand.
- Finally, self-immolate in a field because the noticeable oomph you’ve added to your style will shock you with a profound elation—followed immediately by crushing despair; your soul’s reaction to a profound need to exit this mortal realm. This is the part where you die.
Right now I’m working on step 4, for life on this earth can now only offer me shadows of this fleeting, ineffable joy. And so my spirit must move on from this spiritual plane. But, having fulfilled the purpose of my existence, I can die satisfied, knowing that mine was the prettiest braid ever.