You may live in the middle of the woods ever since you were cast out by the townspeople, but that doesn’t mean you can’t live in the home of your dreams! Spend your witchy existence the way it was meant to be lived—in a small, manageable country house where you can relax, get some fresh air, and roast a chubby German brother and sister for dinner. Here are a few cottages perfect for your forbidden hunger.
1. Thatched-Roof Cottage
With clean lines and classic details, this is truly a fairytale home. Since those insatiable, sugar-obsessed children won’t be able to eat this house, you’ll save time on reconstructing your walls after you’ve shoved those kids in your oven. What’ll you do with all that free time? Maybe you’ll take up the theremin, or even train a flock of ravens. You’re doomed, but you’re not dead (because as the prophecies foretold, you cannot die).
2. Log Cabin
Go completely off the grid! It’s the frontierswoman’s rustic ideal. Just the sight of this pastoral dream makes us think of maple syrup. And you know what goes best with maple syrup? Pancakes lovingly made from the bones of innocents. You eat children—you deserve it!
3. Seaside Bungalow
Children go missing from sleepy fishing villages in fairytales all the time. If their parents aren’t keeping them safe, there’s no blood on your hands (other than the actual blood on your hands). Plus, how nice would it be to fall asleep to the relaxing sound of waves crashing for the next thousand years? You’ll be so full after eating all the kids on the shore that you could take a food nap whenever you want. At this kid-eating hideaway, you’re on island time
4. Forest Retreat
Simple, remote, and smack in the middle of a haunted wood, it boasts an outdoor pizza oven for, what else? Wood-fired flatbread pizzas! (And kids under 45 lbs).
5. Snow Chalet
Ski bums, this is simply perfect for you! It’s close to a family-friendly resort, so you can hit the bunny slope for a little fast food! Ha ha. Plus, it’s got a working fireplace in every room, so once you come in from the cold, you can toast up a little Swiss porker for an après-ski treat!
6. The Playhouse in the Backyard Of Rich & Tracy Sullivan
Location, location, location! When it’s time to feast, there’s no place more convenient than a suburban backyard. Camp out here—only wicked children can see you, after all—and wait for dinner to come to you. Honestly, you have earned this!
7. Gingerbread House
It’s not structurally sound and it’s bad for your blood sugar, but when it comes to the business of baking and eating children, it’s a classic for a reason. This house lures them in and spits out their bones—no cleanup! And if that’s not enough, it’s got a reading nook where you check out child-meat recipes on your Kindle Fire. Now that’s the life!
If you have to be cursed to only eat small Dutch-looking children for the rest of your life, your life doesn’t have to be a bore! Treat yourself to a lovely cottage that isn’t just a death house—it’s a death home.