I Don’t Eat Nuts and Berries to Be Healthy, I Eat Them to Taunt Squirrels

Nuts and berries make a great snack, and together they’re a great source of protein, vitamin C, and antioxidants. But with that being said, sometimes people can get the wrong idea when they see me tossing back some raw almonds between meals, and think that I’m one of “those” people. That’s why I’m here to set the record straight: I don’t eat nut and berries to be healthy – I eat them to taunt some fucking squirrels.


The disturbing reality that I even need clarify this position was crystalized one afternoon when my coworker remarked that I was “so healthy” for always taking my tupperware of mixed nuts, seeds, and fresh berries out to the park in the afternoon. Do I mind that my tasty morsels are powerful fuel for my body and mind? No. I don’t really give a shit. But that’s certainly not why I set up camp on a park bench every day, look the petty little freaks known as “squirrels” in the eye, and simply go to town stuffing my maw with their favorite treats.


Think I’m sharing my cashews with these fluffy-tailed rats? You’re dreaming.


Nuts are full of healthy fats that can help lower your cholesterol. And if the cholesterol of even one squirrel in this goddamn city lowers so much as a point, I will become undone.


I’m a lover of all fruits, and I like to base which berries I consume on what I can source locally. This makes me feel connected to nature, and makes it so that the squirrels can get their dumb little hopes up over and over again like “Okay, they clearly don’t give us blueberries, but maybe they will spare a fig.” HA!



Also, what really makes me feel connected to nature if going mano a mano with a squirrely squirrel fuck in an endless cycle of psychological warfare. It’s what humans were built to do.


So if you ever see me nibbling on some raspberries or grabbing a squirrel’s attention with a walnut then doing a fake-out throw and cackling maniacally when the grubby bitch falls for it, feel free to join in! But please know none of this behavior is for my health. I’d be swapping my nuts for cigarettes if that’s what would make the squirrels jealous, but it isn’t. I know because I tried to get the squirrels addicted to cigarettes and it didn’t work.


Here’s to having hobbies!