In a story out of Wilmington, VT, 27-year-old Tina DiAngelo announced last Thursday that she could never have a dog, stating, “I don’t get how people commit themselves to picking up dog poop every day for the rest of their lives.”
However, the announcement fell flat when it was discovered that Tina actually has three cats and her entire apartment smells like their piss.
“She went on this super long tirade against dogs and how picking up dog poop is ‘so gross,’’ said Carmen Ruiz, a friend of Tina’s who bore witness to her anti-dog diatribe. “I just thought it was weird since she is a huge cat lover and has a litter box in her apartment that she not only has to clean every day, but that always manages to leave a little hint of cat excrement in the air. I mean, isn’t that a little grosser than a dog pooping outside?”
When reporters reached Tina for comment, she simply doubled down on her initial statement.
“I just can’t imagine having to take my dog outside twice a day, everyday, just to pick up its poop,” she told reporters. “I would much rather have cats who use a litter box that has changed the way my apartment smells on a molecular level. Sure, I still have to pick up their poop, but at least I can do that near where I eat and sleep!”
Reporters weren’t sure why that was a good thing.
“What if I was walking my dog, picked up its poop, then couldn’t find a place to throw it away? I just have to carry it around with me like a little purse? No thanks, I’ll stick to having my cats shit in my apartment where no one but me can see it, then bringing it outside to the dumpster in the dead of night with dignity.”
Tina added that her apartment has never smelled the same since she has gotten cats, and that it likely never will smell fully “good” or even “fine” again. But she claims that having the pungent smell of urine lingering in her bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, and living room is preferable to a dog pooping outside, away from all her stuff, for some reason.
“Yeah, it’s true that the smell of cat urine never really goes away, even if you scrub and scrub and scrub,” she said. “But yesterday I saw a guy standing on the sidewalk while his dog pooped. I just can’t imagine living like that.”
At press time, Tina had learned that her sister was getting a puppy, to which she said, “Good luck having it piss inside your house while you’re potty training it!” before getting really quiet and seeming to come to the realization that she’s had two animals pissing inside of her apartment for the better part of a decade.
