There comes a time in every relationship when you realize the person you’re dating isn’t as flawless as you thought they were. One day you’re fantasizing about getting married to Rob and the next day you’re finding out Rob doesn’t actually believe in marriage. Sound familiar? Any professional will tell you the same thing: You can’t change a man. But I actually did change my boyfriend and now he’s fucking perfect. Yay me!
When I first found out Rob had cheated on all of his eleven previous girlfriends, I was worried! If he cheated on them, wouldn’t he cheat on me, too? As a PR account executive with a middle-of-the-road personality, I wasn’t sure I would be able to deliver the adrenaline to keep him from straying. So instead, I just told him not to cheat on me. He was really open to trying out being faithful, and now he says he’s never been so content in a relationship in his life! Now he’s perfect and I’m never stressed. Boy, that was easy!
Growing up with six brothers and sisters, I dreamed of delivering the same experience to my future children. But it turns out Rob hates kids! Every single kid! I cried for hours thinking about the years of my life I’d spent with Rob only to be thwarted by his distaste for parenthood. Starting a family isn’t something you can just change someone’s mind about. Except you can, because I did. I asked really politely, and I guess whatever I said made Rob want to be a father after all. So to everyone who told me I should leave Rob, the joke’s on you because I’m gonna be a fucking mom now!!
All my girlfriends are jealous of the fact that a flawed man really can change, after all. They keep saying things like, “What did you do to Rob?” and “How did this happen?” and “We’re scared of you now.” But who needs girlfriends when you have a perfect boyfriend? Right, Jenna? Right, Kristy? Right, Mom?
Unfortunately, something from Rob’s past did come back to haunt him recently. It turns out that years ago, he had accidentally killed someone because of a terrible fetish he used to have that he definitely no longer has. Well, I wasn’t about to let this be a deal-breaker, so I consulted with some legal and medical professionals who all strongly advised the same thing: After telling Rob to rewire his brain and not ever kill people, he’s the sweet man I always needed him to be. I’ve trained him. I’ve trained him real good. Whee! And he definitely doesn’t have any fetishes anymore, so guys it’s totally safe to come over to the apartment for Sunday dinners again.
People will tell you that you can’t change a man, but I’ve done it several times. Rob used to be a mess, but now he’s a dream boyfriend—and that’s just how I fucking like him!
