Like every young American, I was forced to watch the 2004 documentary Supersize Me in sixth grade health class, but unlike everyone else, I was determined to try it for myself. I embarked upon this journey with healthy skepticism, but the results have shocked me beyond belief. I ate only McDonald’s for a month, and now I look fucking incredible and everyone is trying to be my friend.
The routine was simple: Each morning, I would walk into a McDonalds and order a different thing off the menu. Then, someone would approach to tell me I looked like the lovechild of Suki Waterhouse and pure unadulterated sunlight, and I would be like, “Uh, thanks I guess?”
To clarify, at the start of this project, I was extremely ugly.
In the original Supersize Me, Morgan Spurlock would often upchuck after eating a particularly heavy meal. I experienced almost the same reaction, but instead of “upchucking” my skin just seemed super clear and people started asking me if I had weekend plans.
The film proved to Americans that the fast-food industry was peddling poor nutrition for economic gain, but what it didn’t show is that eating this much McDonalds actually makes you so hot, like unbelievably hot. Somehow my bone structure has changed? It’s much more “bird-like” now, which I hear is “in” these days – this based on what smiling strangers tell me on the street.
I checked with my doctor to make sure the experiment wasn’t adversely affecting my body, but the reality was quite the opposite. He described my small intestine as “a nutrient slip-and-slide” and my heart as a “jumbo pumper” which are terms he had to make up in that very moment because he had never seen guts as good as mine. My liver has recovered from the alcoholism, and I’ve stopped pooping entirely, just because my body doesn’t need to anymore. After the appointment, he asked if I wanted to get drinks.
By the end of the month, I became a neo-celebrity. Every time I walked into McDonalds, Marty and Grace at the register would lose their minds. They’d cheer, I’d throw my hands up in a gesture that said, “stop it,” and they’d stop, then I’d make a motion that was like, “okay keep going,” and they’d keep going. I was a God: my disciples were the deep friers, and my religion was the McRib.
The results of my experiment have been definitive: Eating McDonalds for every single meal all the time is actually the single best thing you can do for your body. To debunk other popular theories, for the next month, I will only be hydrating with alcohol and fueling my body with razor blades.