How to Pretend You Aren’t Vaccinated so You Don’t Have to Do Stuff

The vaccination process has officially begun, and while you’re glad for the many lives it will save, you’re not so glad hearing all this talk of post-vaccination plans. Whether it’s hanging with friends, returning to the office, or taking that road trip with your sister, you don’t want to do it, and you shouldn’t have to! From those who already got their first shot to those waiting anxiously for their time, here’s how to pretend you aren’t vaccinated so you don’t have to do stuff.


Keep it vague.  

Hiding your vaccination status from the people in your life isn’t so much a lie as it is a sneaky little scheme. Rather than claiming outright that you haven’t gotten it, keep your reasons for being unable to do whatever’s asked of you as vague as possible. Say that you can’t attend your cousin’s wedding because of “everything that’s going on” or that you would help your friend move but it wouldn’t be “safe for people like me.” Most people won’t ask follow-up questions, and if they do, just start coughing uncontrollably until they stop.


Destroy the evidence.

For many people, getting the vaccine is a meaningful experience that marks a concrete step away from this traumatic year, and they are eager to document and share the moment. What you’re gonna want to do is the opposite of that. Still holding onto that vax card? Shred it. Got a telltale Band-Aid on your arm? It’s a long sleeve day — the more layers the better. If you don’t cover your tracks properly, you’ll soon be returning to the many obligations of existing in a society, and to that, we say no thank you.


Seriously, destroy the evidence.

Two words: Silence all witnesses.



Maintain the façade.

A lack of excitement at the prospect of vaccination could blow your cover. Instead of laying the groundwork for your desired amount of engagement, constantly talk about how hyped you are for everything you’re going to do once everyone’s vaccinated. Slack your coworkers that you’re all going to go bowling, text your college a cappella group that you’re all going to go bowling. Really get everyone thinking about bowling one day, then turn off your phone and take a nice long nap. You’ll deal with the consequences of this hopefully never!


So use these tricks to hide the fact that you are now eligible to return to the world, and keep living that quarantine lifestyle. Here’s to banana bread and washing dishes all day!