Christmas is here! And apparently Joan isn’t your friend anymore, since she hasn’t returned your calls in weeks and “can’t make” your annual cookie decorating party. Who cares? You don’t really need her to co-host. It doesn’t matter that she did everyone’s wedding cakes, or that her bakery was listed in Forbes’ Top 40 Small Businesses to Watch, or that Kate Middleton was seen sampling baptism cakes in her shop. She’s not here because she’s a garbage person who betrayed you, and you can do this on your own.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED:
NOT Joan
A few eggs
Some sugar
Flour
Little bowls to put stuff in
Big bowls to put stuff in
All the other shit Joan usually brings
Colors (optional?)
PREP
- Mix the ingredients together in a large bowl. Use amounts of ingredients that are not too much or too little. You’re an adult; figure it out.
- Compress the dough into a ball. Remember to scrape all the dough off the sides of the bowl using a spatula. (See? You know what a spatula is. You’re a pro!) The rubbery part of the spatula, not the handle, is used for scraping.
- Chill the dough, whatever that means. The secret to perfect cookies is to “chill the dough,” according to the last thing that Joan said before your big fight. Figure out whether or not the dough is chill. Stick a joint into the ball of dough and post a pic of it on Instagram saying, “Look how chill this dough is, JOAN!”
Once the dough sits in the fridge for 20 minutes, you’re probably ready to start baking.
THE PART WHERE YOU BAKE IT
- Preheat the oven to 300 degrees. Wait, maybe 400? It’s some multiple of 100. Pick one and stick with it.
- Cut the dough into festive Christmas shapes: candy canes, Christmas trees, reindeer shitting on Joan’s lawn, etc.
- Place cookies on baking sheet. Not a sheet of paper. That joke used to really piss off Joan. Matter of fact, fuck Joan. Use paper.
Once the oven is hot enough, cook the cookies until they’re cookies.
Remove cookies from the oven. Careful! Oven may be hot and cookies may be on fire.
NOTE: Some of the cookies might have turned out a little blobby or burnt. This is totally normal—name these snowmen “Joan” and feed them to your son’s shitty gecko.
DECORATING THE COOKIES
While the cookies are baking, set out little bowls and fill them with frosting and decorating supplies. If Joan was a whiz with picking decorating supplies, get creative! Honestly, anything can go on a cookie as long as it’s colorful and sticks to frosting.
Things that are colorful and stick to frosting:
Gumdrops
Golden raisins
Cheez-its
Thumbtacks
Decorate to your heart’s content! Put smiles on snowmen. Put thumbtacks on trees. Make a diorama of Snowman-Joan getting ruthlessly mauled by a horde of malevolent reindeer whose eyes and noses glow red, etc.
EATING THE COOKIES
Get your guests so drunk they’ll enjoy the cookies no matter how bad they taste. Fa la la la la! It’s gonna be great. Whatever you do, DO NOT CALL JOAN AND ASK FOR HELP.
