Witty Comebacks to Painful Insults Hurled by Children

Kids say the darndest things. Children’s lack of filter and wolf-like radar for our vulnerabilities make them especially skilled at hitting where it hurts. Remind them of their place in the social hierarchy with these clever comebacks, and finally restore your dignity as a well-adjusted adult.


“I know you are but what am I? A fully formed adult who can leave this party whenever she wants.”

There’s nothing kids want more than independence, so the next time you get called a nasty name, remind them of your superiority by pointing out that 1: You know they are but what are you? And 2: The privileges that come with your age – Driving, voting, and a sizeable income. (Note: cover your growing lower stomach paunch – they’ll mercilessly latch on to that.)


“You know who’s really fat? The chance you’ll have at reaping the benefits of social security after I drain it dry.”

Okay, you’re stretching here, but that doesn’t mean you’ve run out of ammo. What will run out though, is the government’s supply of social security assistance money. That little brat will be paying in as you enjoy the payout. Try to hold onto this ray of light as you drown your feelings with Charles Shaw and Sara Lee.



“Everyone’s right. Your little brother is cuter than you.”

Now we’re just on their level, and you know what? Who cares. It’s fine. Everything is goddamn fine. You’re FINE. These little shits are the ones who aren’t fine.


“Sure, I might be the only adult here without a husband, but you’re the only kid here without a mother.”

Finally, you got to use the money shot you’ve been waiting for. Sure, this kid’s factually correct that “you’re the only adult here without a husband,” so why not remind her that she doesn’t have a mother? She should just wait and see what THAT does to her romantic life at 29. Besides, you may be the only single gal at her birthday party, but you’re also the only still getting laid!


So the next time a kid tries to remind you of your insecurities, hit back with these biting and truthful comebacks.