Do you love your bestie, but don’t want to make love to her and seven other people? Not all friendships are fit to be plowed. Here’s how to break it to her gently that you won’t be at the warehouse on Saturday night:
Say, “No thanks, but I appreciate the invite!”
This tactic will not work. You know how intense she gets about Evites, so there’s no chance she’s gonna let it go. Still, you have no real recourse but to politely go through the motions, especially now that she’s an unpredictable sex freak.
React with a polite facial expression, then back out of the room slowly.
You catch more flies with honey, and you’ll catch fewer weird dicks if you’re not even in the room! Walk backward out of the room at a pace that will not startle your friend, while maintaining a calm, casual look of non-judgment on your face. It’s best to do this silently, but if you must say something, whisper incoherently about having left the stove on. As soon as you’re in the hallway, sprint to your car, speed away, and you’ll never have to see her again!
If it’s a masked affair, accept the offer. Then, just pretend you were there.
Shagging a room full of people with masks on is a great idea because you have no idea who you’re boinking! If your bestie’s orgy is an Eyes Wide Shut-type masquerade, she’ll never know that you didn’t show up. She vaguely knows what your bod looks like, but a little absinthe will make any stranger’s cans look like yours. You just have to remember to play along when she recounts the evening. Pro tip: The best way to talk about an orgy you didn’t attend is to describe smells. She won’t have time to ask if you’re a squirter!
Tell her you would, but all holes from the waist down were sealed shut in a freak accident and you have rows of shark teeth in your mouth and throat.
Nothing gets you out of a buddy’s orgy like a factory accident/hereditary dental condition. Simply tell her, “So sorry! Wish I could, but my body was once encased in molten steel and my whole family has shark-tooth disease.” She’ll be so horrified for you that her creepy sex vibes will tone all the way down. Warning: If she’s into weird stuff, this one could backfire and make you seem way more appealing.
Convince her she’s A Beautiful Mind-ing you.
After all, you can’t fuck a figment! Make it very clear that you are not real—you are something she just dreamed up. You can absolutely attend this orgy, but everyone else there will think she’s crazy, which is unfortunate, because fake you is into really butt stuff. Be sure to do that thing with your feet that makes it look like you’re floating when you run into her at Trader Joe’s, so she knows you’re not really there.
Hopefully this will help you navigate that awkward point in every friendship where you have to turn down the offer of group sex with your close friend and a bunch of strangers—without ruining brunch!
