For most people, sex dreams are just fun little night romps that you forget by lunchtime. However, dog owners know how these “sweet” dreams can very quickly turn sour when you wake up with a mouthful of hot, sticky dog tongue. You’ve seen it dozens of times in movies and TV, but for real-life canine companions, the scenario can be a living nightmare. Here are the best ways to make sure that when you wake up from a sex dream, there’s only one thing that’s wet, and it’s not your dog!
Change your nighttime rituals.
Can’t spend another morning explaining to your boss how all that dried-up drool got in your hair? Stop watching Paul Rudd movies before bed and then leaving your bedroom door open for your dog to take advantage of your wide-open mouth. Instead, take Roscoe on a long run so you’re both too tired for your nightly cuddling to turn into heavy petting. Just in case he’s still got energy, take that old, George W. Bush Halloween mask from 2007 and pop it on. Roscoe’s rough tongue definitely won’t be able to penetrate if air can hardly pass through those tiny breathing holes! You’ll probably pass out, but that’s actually ideal as Roscoe will be too busy barking for help to use his mouth on you, and best of all, the paramedics won’t find you two in a position straight out of the Kama Sutra! Awkward!
Don’t fall asleep drunk.
If you’re stumbling home drunk alone, there’s a good chance you’re fired up and lonely. Stella will smell it on you before you even get your keys out of your clutch. Quick, turn around! Go anywhere else (except the streets, because then you open yourself up to strays)! You may end up sleeping with your best friend’s cousin, but it’s certainly better than not being able to look your own dog in the eye ever again.
NEVER EVER TAKE A SLEEPING PILL! EVER!
NEVER! And yes, melatonin counts.
Just like Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan always says, “Blech! Blech! Dammit, Junior, get outta my mouth! Ugh! What time is it? Ugh!” Let your dog know that you’re the alpha in this pack, and alphas don’t make out with betas. Slap a shock collar around your pooch’s neck and put the electric barrier around your bed. Just make sure to set it to shock and not vibrate or you’ll endure the shocking realization that the first person you hooked up with in over a year (and the best sex you had in two) was a literal dog. It’s super hard not to fuck your dog sometimes!!!!
Never fall asleep on the couch.
Any red-blooded woman has sex on the brain sometimes, even when you’re kicking it at home, just you and the pooch on the sofa. Don’t make yourself vulnerable to everyone’s worst nightmare by dozing off. Even the tiniest nap can ruin you, so cover your couch with small plastic spikes. You don’t want the pleasure of riding Channing Tatum on a rainbow associated with your best canine friend. Also, the spikes will keep the dog off the couch too. Bonus!
Do NOT take comfort in having a significant other.
Now that your sweetie’s around, your bed is too full for Stanley. You’re getting it in regularly enough that your brain no longer needs to conjure make-believe nookie. So when your boo is on vacation, you probably think it’s safe to let that adorable chihuahua in bed with you, right? Look at those sweet, trusting eyes… he would never try anything, right? WRONG! YOU COULDN’T BE MORE WRONG! YOU ARE OUT OF PRACTICE AND HAVE LOST YOUR VIGILANCE! YOU’RE HAPPY AND DUMB! If you man takes just one single vacation, you’ll be dreaming about kissin’ the S.O. you’re missin’, and BAM, you wake up wondering why Jason’s penis feels so small on your leg! And of course now Jason is FaceTiming you, asking why you’re so flushed. Good fucking luck!
Sex dreams are involuntary, but making out with your dog doesn’t have to be. Your dog can’t help it, but with these easy steps, you can!