It’s no surprise that the most nymph-like creature of all time has taken a liking to your tree house. But if you’re sick of the “Good For You” singer squatting in the wooden fort you built for your children, simply use these steps to eradicate her once and for all. Here’s how to get that pesky Selena Gomez out of your tree house.
1. Shake the tree.
This is probably only a short-term solution, but if your kids need to get into that tree house and out of your hair, you can shake the tree that the tree house is in, scaring the living shit out of your musical pest. Do not stop shaking the tree until you see her scurry out. Don’t let her sing you a song to change your mind—she’s gotta go!
2. Leave a trail of daisies.
A flower trail leading from the tree house to the front door of neighbors can really fool pixie-like singers into taking up residence elsewhere. The Selena Gomez will be tempted by the flowers (perfect for making dainty jewelry), and rapidly become someone else’s problem.
3. Sing along with her, badly.
When you hear her crooning in the middle of the night, join in a half-step off. The dissonance will be especially grating on the Selena Gomez’s sensitive elfish ears. And if all her singing is consistently met with discordance during her stay in your child’s play place, she will have no choice but to leave. After all, in the words of her etching in your giant oak’s tree trunk, “singing = life.”
4. Hire an exterminator who specializes in creatures gifted with eternal youth.
The Selena Gomez is notoriously wily, a trait common in creatures that are way older than they look. You’ll want to find a specialist familiar with this bewitching breed. Don’t worry about cost—a true expert will give you your peace of mind back, and with it, your backyard.
5. Sell her off.
Sometimes only tricky contracts are enough to entrap magical creatures. Sell your Subaru Forrester on Craigslist, and when the buyer arrives to retrieve the car, lump the Selena Gomez into the deal, free of charge. Don’t worry, the Selena Gomez will easily adjust from the whimsy of the tree house to the whimsy of the back seat of a Subaru. And if this guy doesn’t have kids, he can handle the extra mischief. You’ve done the right thing.
Whether your Selena Gomez infestation has lasted a few hours or a few years, rest assured that you are not alone: nearly ten percent of tree house owners report a Selena Gomez occupation at any given time. All you can do is take a deep breath, work through these methods, and keep your loved ones close. Who knows what enchantments she might throw in the meantime!