Katie. Ugh. Look at the smug way she moves her mouth and says words. Doesn’t she know you have things to say? Don’t worry, you won’t have to wallow in the despair of actually listening to her for much longer. If you recognize these subtle signs of when she is ready to shut up and finally listen to you, you’ll be telling her about your own problems in no time.
Her mouth is closed.
Focus intently on Katie’s mouth. Is it moving? If not, this most likely means she isn’t talking anymore and after long last you can one-up her story by explaining why your one-night stand with Chad is worse than her divorce. Be warned! Just because Katie’s mouth is closed doesn’t necessarily mean she’s done talking. She might simply be between words or preparing to say a word that begins with the letter “P”.
Katie is drinking her latte.
Quick! Jump on Katie’s amateur decision to sip her drink and launch into your opinions on gun control! If you’re fast, Katie will have lost her opportunity to communicate and you’ll be sailing down the beautiful one-way road of conversation.
Katie is talking to someone else.
If you’re still looking for an opportunity to weave your trip to the Grand Canyon 15 years ago into whatever Katie is blabbering about (why is she crying?!), it’s important for you to check to see if Katie is talking to someone else. In our low-context society, it’s socially acceptable to begin speaking if someone across from you is speaking to another person, whether it is a waitress, another customer, or the man sitting next to her (husband? How long has he been there?).
She asks you a question.
The fool! Asking questions is like raising the white flag of conversation. If Katie asks you a question, you have won the war on communication and can easily win this talk. Step all over Katie’s poor speech strategy by embarking on your life story. She will never make this mistake again! Victory!
Look up during Katie’s monologue to see if she’s actually there anymore. There’s a strong chance that Katie has actually left and you’ve missed your chance to tell her how good Gone Girl was for the fifth time. If this is the case, simply start talking and someone is bound to sit down soon, because who wouldn’t want to hear about that weird dream you had last night?
Katie is really good at talking, so get ready to take her down when she least expects it with these five points. She’ll never make these obvious slip-ups again!