It was bound to happen. Sooner or later, Jan was going to get dumped and you’d be forced to tell her,“You’ll definitely find someone better someday.” Except you know that it’s a boldfaced lie.
Of course, Jan is charming, attractive, and driven. She has a great job in PR, she volunteers at the women’s shelter and she’s totally nailing it at that spinning class. But Patrick? Patrick was perfect. Jan knows it and you know it, too, so it’s time to cut the bullshit. Make it clear that Jan totally peaked in her last relationship with these tips to help prepare her for a serious downgrade.
Set the bar low with memories of exes Jan was too good for.
Remember that guy in high school, Jan? The dropout who ditched you when he realized Karen Weiss had a better rack? Or what about that dude in college that cheated on you in the bunk directly above yours while you were sleeping? Those guys definitely didn’t deserve you, Jan. Look how far you’ve come!
Remind her that most of the good ones are already married by now, and that’s not her fault.
Patrick might have been the last marriageable bachelor in a 50-mile radius, and that is no fault of Jan’s! Remind her that half of them will be divorced in five years and she should just wait it out until then. Just do lots of yoga in the meantime and focus on yourself, girl.
Heavily exaggerate a single flaw in Patrick.
Remember that one time Patrick left a dirty dishes in the sink for 24 hours when he baked Jan those four-layer cupcakes for their anniversary? Or, there was that night she thought he may have almost forgotten her birthday but it was actually because he had planned a surprise party for that night? That’s some seriously unacceptable behavior, Jan. Repeat: You deserve a clean sink and someone who will leak the details of your surprise party so that you don’t cry at lunchtime.
Convince Jan she hallucinated Patrick entirely
One day Jan will wake up and none of her friends or family will remember her dating anyone. If you constantly ask, “Patrick who?” whenever he comes up, Jan will be left with only a montage of her laughing alone at coffee shops and bars. With enough time, she’ll come to believe that Patrick really was too good to be true. If he existed solely as a projection of her imagination, she can definitely do better. Like with a real person, Jan. C’mon.
Choose one or all of these tips and in no time, Jan will be fine. Or, she’ll at least be ready to settle before she learns Patrick has moved on to a Victoria’s Secret angel with a doctorate in organic chemistry.