Buying gifts for your niece can be a nightmare! How many times have we all cried into our wine when our sister says, “Thanks for thinking of her, but Kaylee’s getting a little old for dolls”? It’s time to face it: every tween wants the same thing from her awesomely single aunt – a vibrator! Help show her you’re the “cool aunt” with one of these adorable vibrators:
For Girly-Girls: A Hello Kitty Vibrator
Karen might say that the girls have enough things with Hello Kitty on them, thank you. But Karen doesn’t know what a big “hello” this little kitty can say! What little girl doesn’t want such a cute little toy from her cool sex-positive aunt?
For Younger Children: A Silver Bullet
A full-sized vibrator can be intimidating to a child – not to mention physically hard to grasp! And you’d never want to buy a gift that lets Karen keep muttering is “this is hardly age appropriate” all through the birthday party. A bullet vibe is small enough not to intimidate kids, whatever their age. It’s the gift that says says, “I’m not just the aunt who never brings the same man to Thanksgiving twice. I’m the aunt who will buy you beer when you’re 16!”
For the Future Engineer: The Hitachi Wand
Sure, maybe Karen thought the chemistry set you bought for Kaylee was better “donated to the school.” But you know what can never be donated to a school? The marvel of electrical engineering, the Hitachi Wand! Your niece will be almost as impressed by the sleek design and solid workmanship as by what a totally chill yet knowledgeable aunt you are.
For the Animal Lover: The Rabbit
Tempting as it can be to surprise your niece with a puppy, Karen will just make a whole scene about how taking in an animal is a family decision. Avoid the drama with a classic Rabbit vibrator. It’s pink, it’s fun, and it moves on its own! If this Rabbit could talk, it would say, “Remember to look after your cool aunt when she’s elderly and alone!”
For Tomboys: A Straight-Up Dildo
It can be hard to impress your tough little tomboy niece. She doesn’t want anything pink or sparkly or girly, and she just loves echoing all of Karen’s criticisms. So go traditional with a standard dildo! The neutral color will make this gift a welcome addition to her toolbox.
You’ll never have to sweat another birthday party when you buy your niece the vibrator of her dreams. And hey, if Karen takes it away…it’s never too late to build some parental resentment, is it? Fuck you, Karen.