It’s almost New Years Eve, and you can already sense Greg staring sadly at you from the corner. He’ll wait for the ball to drop, knock back a shot of tequila, and swoop in for the kill with a simple, “I miss us.” You’ve avoided falling into the Greg trap since you broke up, but how can you guarantee you’ll avoid his midnight kiss this NYE? Below are some tips to ensure that the coming year will have way less Greg in it.
1. Cover your dress in cat hair – Greg always hated cats.
You know Greg’s allergic to cat hair, because he always brings it up whenever people show off their cat photos. Make sure the hair is coated thick enough that it’s visible to him from across the room, so he’ll remember the arguments you had about how he never came over to your place won’t even bother making the “Why didn’t we work?” effort.
2. Invite his arch nemesis, Gary.
To be fair, Gary will probably be at the party, anyway. But nothing would get under Greg’s skin more than seeing you laugh at Gary’s half-baked jokes and bad puns. Greg’s hatred of puns is one of the few things that outweigh his fixation with you, so this tactic is foolproof.
3. Garnish your Bloody Mary with extra salami.
He never could get you to go vegan. Make sure you’re only drinking spicy, meat-garnished drinks, so when it comes time to lock lips, Greg is put off by your potent carcass breath. Extra points if you wedge small chunks of salami between your teeth.
4. Request Taylor Swift all night.
Although musical preferences is one of the few things you and Greg have in common, his stubborn hatred of pop music and insistence on critiquing the hell out of it will surely over shadow his tragic lust for you, as you flail and shout along with Swift’s “Blank Space.”
5. Fake a stroke at midnight.
Oh my god! All this alcohol and socializing has you so dehydrated! Make sure to play the long game and show signs of over-intoxication and flushing early on, so it’s easier to get your body to slump convincingly. Nothing will show Greg you’re not interested quite like being escorted out of the party on a stretcher!
If all else fails, text Greg’s old old flame Ashley and let her know where to find him and try to make it work again. That’ll buy you a week, at least. Happy New Year!