How to Stop Eating The Delicious, High-Calorie Food You Are Putting Into Your Mouth Right Now

It’s no secret that sweet, fattening, high-calorie food is delicious. But too much of a good thing is a bad thing, and it can be especially hard to turn down a sweet snack when you’re putting it in your mouth as you read this. While it can be hard to make positive changes in your eating habits, especially when you’re eating right this second, here are some ways you can stop eating that delicious, high-calorie food you are shoving down your filthy maw right now.


Close your mouth.

The simplest way to not eat that fuckin’ yummy food that you’re about to eat is to CLOSE YOUR MOUTH. Do it so fast that your own hand doesn’t have time to catch up and rams into your solid fortress of a face, preventing you from eating and helping you on your way to a healthier life. You can’t eat if your mouth is closed! That’s science.


Throw the spoon across the room and leave the room.

If you’re eating something warm, gooey, or creamy, you can expel the enemy by flinging your spoon clear across the room and then running out of that room. This might seem hard in the moment but if you stick to it, you’ll really see the difference!


Put the food in your mouth but let it slowly dribble out onto your shirt.

Let the scrumptious, homemade, comfort food reach the inside of your mouth, but then leave your mouth open and slack so it slowly dribbles out onto your shirt. Trust us, you can do this! Make sure your eyes are vacant and your heart empty as you waste this delicious dessert.


Let a friend slap it out of your hand.

Your friends always know best when it comes to your body. So let a friend “keep you honest” by slapping the food out of your hand as it enters your mouth. Food is not meant to be enjoyed, silly!


Pretend the food is lava!

Uh oh! Ouch! Spit the food out on the floor! That was a close one, but nothing with trans fats will ever enter your glorious temple of a body. Wait, what are trans fats again? Who cares!



Let society’s obsession with health and wellness shame you into throwing away the food.

SHAME ON YOU! You ate a bite of that yum-yum food didn’t you? You need to get online and educate yourself with some blogs, because you should know that truly beautiful people only eat sprouts and powders. And cocoa nibs, I think? Time to throw away some perfectly food so you can continue on your path towards the dangerously unattainable.


See, keeping that mouthwatering, high calorie food out of your mouth is easy. Time to celebrate with a vodka soda and a cigarette, you healthy gal!