So you thought you’ve ended your dry spell with a sensuous romp, but now that you’re sober and awake, you realize you actually slept with your neighbor, Tyler, who has five roommates and no actual bedroom of his own. Before you spend any more time on this sheet-less mattress in a room with more than two skateboards, you’re going to need to cleanse yourself of his negative energy dick. Take back your sexual vessel by cleansing your blessed vaginal walls with this basic chambré witchcraft.
Step One: Set Condom on Fire In Metal Bowl
Before you escape past Tyler’s wake-and-bake roommates, make sure you grab the condom he definitely threw on the floor. It is essential in the cleaning process to set ablaze any remnants of his wretched seed. Find your best cooking pot and torch the latex to release his sperm demons into the ether.
Step Two: Strip Thyself Bare of Clothes
Now you are ready to sage. Whilst standing next to his scalded off-brand prophylactic, return to nudity and gaze into the mirror, examining the parts of your body that were touched but yet not quite pleasured, which is basically your entire body since Tyler was selfish and whiny and passed out the second he came.
Step Three: Put Clothes Back On—You Forgot to Buy Sage from the Liquor Store on the Corner
Damn it, in the stumble up to your apartment, you’ve forgotten the essential ingredient—the sage! Put your soiled clothes back on and run down to the E&J Liquor next to your building. They always have sage for whatever reason. Buy multiple in case of future vaginal sacrilege.
Step Four: Light Sage and Cleanse That Vag Aura
Return oneself to nudity yet again and light the sage. Bask in the smell, which reminds you of your cool aunt’s house that your parents didn’t really like visiting because of “all her opinions”. Encompass your body in it’s vapor chanting, ”Cleanse, dismiss, dispel. Release this vagina from Tyler’s dick hell.”
Step Five: Apologize to Roommate for Heavy Smoke
Before the process is complete, pop out of your room real quick to apologize to Holly, who is actually studying for her LSAT and freaked out when sage smoke started billowing into the living room. Explain that you are creating a positive energy space, which she’ll remember reading about on Pinterest once and be like, “sure whatever.”
Step Six: Reconvene Ritual and Avoid Smoke Embers Flying into Pubes
Get that sage all up in your vag, girl. Cleanse your mind of the moment Tyler asked if you would “blow him on his skateboard.” Direct smoke toward thy region of life-giving while avoiding your highly flammable pubic hair. Repeat chant. Mind your lady garden. Bless this box.
Step Seven: Delete Tyler’s Number From Thy Phone
Rid yourself of the opportunity for bad energy by deleting Tyler’s number. Place your phone on the ground and dance around it in celebration of self-care. You are not doing this again.
Step Seven: Make an Amy’s Organic Pesto Tortellini Bowl for Yourself
You’re still hungover so you must revitalize your body with only the dopest of carbs, like Amy’s Organic Bowls. So fucking delicious. Tyler tasted like burrito pizza last night, but you’re a new woman now. Rejoice and cherish your microwave meal.
As mortal beings we all make mistakes, such as when we accidentally sleep with a terrible and gross neighbor. But don’t beat yourself up—just sage the bad away!
