How to Not Kidnap Any Kids on Halloween, Not Even One

No matter your age, Halloween is always a fun holiday to spend with kids! Just make sure you don’t kidnap any of them this October 31. Not even one! We know it can be tough when those lil’ faces are popping out of a sweet lil’ costume, but here’s how you can have a fun night free of kidnapping any adorable costumed babes. Don’t even think about it!


Don’t Scoop Up That Adorable Pumpkin Kiddo

When you see a plump lil’ pumpkin kiddo so round it looks like his mama could just roll him from house to house, resist the urge to run over and scoop that nugget up and take him home with you forever. That is not your kid, and taking that festive orange chubbo under your arm and skipping away with him is a serious crime. Remember: that is a human child with a name like “Jane” or “Sawyer,” not a soft baby pudgie you can take home to squeeze and call “pumpkie babe-o.” Take some deep breaths and walk away. This pumpkin kiddo is not for you to take!



Slowly Back Away From the Widdle Ladybug Tyke

Your heart is swelling in your chest because a plump ladybug just waddled past you with the pristine face of a cherub, and the only cure to your beating heart is ripping that tot away from her group and tossing her in the air gleefully. But guess what? That’s a fast road to kidnapping so you can’t do that. Even it’s just one sparkling munchkin you wanna hug. Even if that baby is a ladybug cutie you want to love for the rest of your life. That is a kid with parents who would get you arrested, and they’d be in the right. Slowly back away from the widdle ladybug and hey, look! You haven’t kidnapped anyone!


Don’t Collect Dozens of Precious Lil’ Monkeys in Your Honda

The neighborhood is teeming with cuties dressed up as animals. Those round little rapscallions are running all over the place, rosy-cheeked and gleeful, with plush tails dragging behind them. It’s too fucking much; you just want to gather those squirmy little rugrats in your loving arms and put them in your Honda where you can just look at their cute little angelic faces for hours. But you can’t give into that impulse. Storing dozens of lil ones in your CR-V is technically kidnapping and is going to ruin your life. Don’t take the kiddos no matter how much you “love their tiny baby butts, oh god, they’re so fucking cute, lemme pinch some cheeks.” And no, you can’t tuck “just one” under your back seat. Just get in your car alone and drive far, far away to where you can’t commit a felony.


Some people struggle with coming up with the perfect costume; you struggle with the intoxicating cuteness of sweet babes in adorable outfits. Make sure you have fun this Halloween by not destroying your future; with these tips you’ll be able to avoid kidnapping children altogether.