So the kids are finally out of the house. Thank God! With your newfound time alone maybe you can finally have that orgasm you’ve been meaning to have. Been long enough, right? Here are some easy, breezy, summery tips to get you off.
Wear A Breezy Skirt
The skirt can be as short as you want! Your kids aren’t home, so you won’t have to listen to them complain about your spiderveins being embarrassing. You are a sexy woman and you deserve to feel sensual as the breeze passes through your legs. Imagine that you are being felt up by a gorgeous lifeguard on the sand instead of sitting on Mason’s just-pressed karate uniform in the laundry room.
Use Sasha’s Princess Wand
She’s always carrying that damn princess wand around, but, thanks to the stupid battery pack, it’s definitely closer to the size of a dick than a wand. You had to throw out your vibrator after Mason found it and stuck in his mouth to see if it was candy, but he’ll never suspect this glittery nonsense! So go ahead—treat yourself like the princess you used to be!
Put Cucumber Slices on Your Vagina
You’ve been using this summertime fruit to calm and relax your skin, but remember that your vagina needs to feel relaxed too. Place cucumber slices directly on your pussy for a refreshing feeling that’s sure to get you revved up. All the antioxidants will help you forget about how few vegetables your kids are going to be eating while they’re away from you.
Pretend That You Just Never Had Kids
Having trouble touching yourself because you keep remembering the children that passed through you as a result of sex? Forget about them! Go back to the time when you were always sexy and fun and you could masturbate freely without them walking into your bedroom asking for fruit snacks. Savor this image and hold onto it because it’s all you have left of your precious yearly masturbation-fest once you pick them up next week.
Summer camp is the perfect escape from the sex desert that is full-time parenting. So get yours before the little vampires return!