Your wedding should represent the unique personality that only you possess, but still have everything that people expect – otherwise they’ll think you’re a freak. Here’s how to make your nuptials say, “I’m a free-thinker who conforms to the institution of marriage!”
The Dress
Your dress should definitely be a wedding dress, but should look like it could have been made 20 to 50 years ago. To make this ensemble really “you,” find a wedding dress that’s a couple inches shorter than a normal wedding dress or a veil that is a little smaller than a normal wedding veil. Just remember – your wedding dress must be white, it has to be white, if it isn’t white then this isn’t a wedding.
Invitations
Forego traditional calligraphy in favor of a cute, wood-block graphic of two bees in love or owls on a branch. Only owls or bees are acceptable cute animals, any others will shock and appall guests who will think you’re inviting them to a bestiality conference. Another fun idea to display your personality is to have your invitation on colored paper instead of white. Light blue or cream-yellow only please, this isn’t a carny circus for Christ’s sake.
Venue
Choosing the venue should be as personal a decision as the person you’re marrying. Go ahead and ditch the traditional cheesy banquet hall for a banquet hall – in a hotel. Are you passionate about the outdoors? Then invite your guests to a magical night in a country garden or rustic barn, so long as all wedding activities take place in an enclosed white tent with white Chinese lanterns, round 90” tables, and your initials projected on the dance floor in white and purple so no one will ever have to know they’re outside. This isn’t an army camp; this is your wedding. You better be taking this seriously.
Flowers
Every woman has a favorite flower, which should surround her on her special day like a princess – as long as her favorite flower is an orchid, white lily, or rose. If you want to really stand out, use mason jars as wedding vases. Mason jars are one of the most popular wedding trends and are great if you want to be quirky without looking like an eccentric weirdo. Used jam jars are unacceptable. You must buy brand-new empty jars from a store. If you think you can use candles as centerpieces instead of flowers, you are outing yourself as a true imposter and do not deserve a wedding.
Who You’re Marrying
Marriage is a lifelong decision, and no one but you can tell you who’s the right person to spend the rest of your life with. The person you’re marrying should understand you and share your values. They should also be white, Christian, male, and work in finance. Marketing is also a suitable profession for a spouse but only permissible if he wears large-framed glasses and is still very rich. It is definitely appropriate for your spouse to leave the stuffy dinner jacket behind and simply wear a vest with a lighter jacket. After all, it’s his day too! If you’re soon-to-be husband refuses to wear a tie you have full license to call off the wedding immediately.
When planning your wedding, remember to strike that perfect balance between boring and unique, it has to be tastefully unique or else.
