No bones about it: You’re a musical genius with a passion for the ‘bone! Your vigorous pursuit of playing the trombone means your days require hours of rehearsal, practice, and lip exercises. But just because you’re into the third least-fuckable brass instrument doesn’t mean you’re not a woman! You’re a totally trendy gal and need to keep it that way throughout your busy bone-blowing day. You might be asking yourself, “How will I keep it cute while spitting into this clumsy instrument?” What can you do when your vigorous blows to make those sweet jazzy tunes is ruining your literally perfect lip? You’re in luck—we’ve got the tips to help you keep your lips on-point long after you’ve been dismissed from band practice.
Put Your Lips Outside the Mouthpiece
First, consider a more lipstick-friendly embouchure. Placing your lips around the outside of the mouthpiece means there’s almost no way to smudge or smear! You’ll look a little like you’re resuscitating the Tin Man, but that’s half the fun! Think about blowing air from the back of your throat to hit those high notes. While it might not produce the best sound quality, or really anything like the intended sound of a trombone, it’s sure make Brian from the clarinet section take a second look at what it is that you are doing. Most importantly, it will keep you from looking like some type of makeup-free band geek! LOL!
Play Like a Model
The other way to keep the attention of desirables (like those senior trumpet boys!!!!) is to try blowing gently in the mouthpiece. Instead of your usual powerful blasts, purse your lips loosely together while you run scales. This will keep you looking cute and confident hours after the conductor finishes flourishing his baton.
Don’t Blow
We know, we know—how are you going to stay first chair if you’re not making any noise? Ummm, by moving your slide around and faking it? There’s no harm in half-assing it—you have places to go later, you can’t always be blowing your hardest! And, let’s be honest, if you’re moving your slide with confidence, no one will question your silence during “John Williams: Soundtrack Highlights (Arranged for Symphonic Band)”.
Reapply, Reapply, Reapply!
There’s really no way around it. If you’re going to ignore our advice and blow like a bad bitch through trombone rehearsal, then you’re going to need to bring a few extra sticks of MAC Relentlessly Red and store them in your Gard Wheelie case. Prove you can hang with your ’bone buddies by wailing on that mouthpiece, rocking that slide from first position all the way to seventh and back again, and keeping that lip on POINT. If your lips start feeling dry, apply a little bit of slide oil to get that “just practiced” look.
So, next time you’re on your way to band practice, consider these tips. There’s no reason you can’t look your best and blow your horn like the badass lady ’boner you are.
Go ’bones!!
