How to Live Healthier While Still Destroying Yourself on the Weekends

It’s the start of a new year: the perfect time to sort of change your habits. The key to living a better, happier life is committing to healthy behaviors while still being able to indulge in those sweet vices on the weekends. After all, living better shouldn’t mean having to give up all the things you love, especially on the weekends when most people are like “fuck it”. Based on our extensive research, here are the best practices for keeping a balance between healthy habits and letting it all go to shit at the end of the week.


Have an exercise routine, then smoke heavily on weekends.

Start the workweek with a 6 AM run of at least three miles. You’ll want to try and keep this routine at least every other day that is a weekday. It’s important to get the heart pumping before your workday to keep you energized and mentally sharp. By the time Friday rolls around, you’ll be ready to chain smoke a pack of Marlboro Reds outside the bar, destroying all your newfound lung capacity. It will calm those nerves, and you won’t feel totally deprived of life’s joys!



Eat Whole Foods on weekdays and total garbage on Saturday and Sunday.

Your weekly diet goes hand-in-hand with exercise. It’s best to spend the week eating a nice balance of fruits and veggies to stay healthy. You’ll get all the nutrients and fiber you need to make up for the weekend when you’re chugging beer and eating from the halal cart at 3 AM. Seriously, eat any old crap you want on those two cheat days: candy, Doritos, packets of MSG, drugs you found on the floor… It’ll be just what you need to satisfy your cravings and give you diarrhea. You’ll feel lighter than ever!


Moderate caffeine, except on weekends when you also do cocaine.

If you want to give your ticker a break, watch your general caffeine intake during the week. This can be tough, but you can make it easier by substituting your morning coffee with green tea. Then on the weekends, you can slip up and let yourself indulge in a latte or two or five plus a bunch of cocaine. If you’re only doing a few key bumps on Friday and Saturday, it’s not technically a drug problem. It just means you have cash flow and cool friends. You’ll be proud you avoided those three cups of coffee a day during the week that slowly wear away the lining of your stomach and you’ll get that extra jolt your life needs.



Sleep a full eight hours a night before your sleepless weekend.

It’s important to be well rested in order to maximize output at work and at Output, your favorite dance club. Be sure to get at least eight hours of sleep each night during the workweek. You want to make sure there are no bags under those eyes for your all-weekend rager where your two weekend days will essentially be blended into one long party blur that will feel like a living car accident. There’s no reason to sacrifice any of that party time on the weekends, because you’ll healthfully make up for all that sleep during the week. That’s just common sense!


By establishing healthy habits during the week, you’ll be committing to a long and healthy life that you can than moderate to a more manageable lifetime by shaving 20 or so years off your life on the weekends. Your body will thank you!