Everyone’s in search of the hottest vintage find to furnish their apartment. Antique couches are a great way to express your appreciation for unique, handcrafted furniture that’s full of history and the body particles of currently dead people. You don’t just want a couch to show your fashion sense—you want one with a story! One that, if it could talk, would say, “My, how those two hungered for each other’s naked embrace!” These vintage couches were fucked on more than a century ago, and are ready to rock your world.
1. Victorian Sofa
This Victorian style sofa has seen a lot of wear and tear, giving your home that kitschy, sex romp of yore feel. According to its appraisal documents, it was regularly fucked on in the late 1700s by banking magnate Johann Jacobs and his wife Sarah. The couple conceived all of their eight children on this couch, as they enjoyed taking things outside the bedroom; many years later, each one of them died. With the purchase of this sofa, their dusty yet regal genitals will haunt your living room forever.
2. Long Leather Chesterfield Sofa
This classic leather lounger is nothing short of an interior design staple. It is also the very spot where socialite Pearl Berlind got her Victorian snatch pounded by writer Harold Oelrich in 1898 during some painter’s birthday party. The couple, though 27 years apart, loved each other dearly. They fucked the shit out of that couch, over every inch of its long length, and now it’s yours—bite marks and all! Just think: The teeth that made those bite marks likely still remain intact, but all the naughty bits they bit are now thoroughly decomposed. What a find!
3. Silk Camel Back Sofa
This tasteful sofa will bring out the best in any brightly furnished home, especially if, to you, “the best” means “well-fucked-on by deadies.” This couch was a regular prop of Gilbert and Opal Wellington on their honeymoon in 1882! Even though they both died in a tragic honeymoon fire at the end of their vacation, theirs was surely a sofa sesh to remember—and it has the stains to prove it! Congrats on your purchase!
4. Davenport Sofa
This velvet green couch is just like a fine wine: It only gets better with age and it goes great with late-night shtupping on top of ghosts who are also shtupping. Estelle and Jacob Barnes purchased this sofa on their tenth wedding anniversary in 1901 and cemented their love in ceremoniously sexing on it every anniversary until Jacob’s mid-coitus heart attack in 1938. Those horny Edwardians haunt the spirit of the couch to this day, and now, you can sit on it!
Everyone wants a well furnished home. Stand out from the crowd by having a deeper knowledge of your antique furnishings. Just don’t mind the stains!