Every girl knows the woes of a urinary tract infection. What you may not know are the healing powers of the 37-time Emmy Award-winning sitcom, Frasier. The witty repartee and pretentious allusions of the show’s main character, Seattle-based psychiatrist Dr. Frasier Crane, will heal your whizz chute like no other. Here are six Frasier Crane quotes that will quell your pesky bladder infection faster than you can say, “tossed salad and scrambled eggs!”
1. “Not so many people uttered the phrase, ‘That poor man’ since Quasimoto strolled the streets of medieval Paris.”
The first stage of the UTI: complete and utter self-pity. Feels like the world is ending, doesn’t it? Dr. Crane certainly thinks so! Nothing like a Victor Hugo reference unabashedly directed at an upper-middle class, college-educated audience to validate that misery. Quasimoto may have been a freakish humpback on the outskirts of society, but he probably never peed blood because he forgot to tinkle after sex! This quote feels like a loving embrace from Kelsey Grammar himself.
2. “Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up tickets at the box office!”
Who would have thought a middle-aged male psychiatrist from the late 90s could get us like this? This one hits home especially hard when you have a painful UTI and need to continue going about your normal activities despite that burning sensation down below. Knock back a double dose of Dr. Crane-style self-deprecation, and you’ll be all set for that Tinder date you were dreading anyway. Thanks for this now-healthy ladyhole, Dr. Crane!
3. “At Cornell University, there is an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that, by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom—the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem.”
Ummm, okay, did we say this? No, Dr. Frasier Crane said it. Wow! This quote is a UTI miracle worker—it zeroes in on Roger’s fuckery the way we wish AZO could zero in on our urethral bacteria. Move over herbal remedies, antibiotics, cranberry juice, and lots of sleep! All we need is a dynamite Frasier Crane insult like this one to make sure our kidneys are 100 percent good to go.
4. “In case you haven’t noticed, Dad, it does get a little damp around here! For God’s sake, the state flower is Mildew!”
Ugh, dads! We’ve all been that person with the 100-degree fever, wondering why God created urine and then used it to punish us like this. Your dad calls to ask how you’re feeling, and you just want to scream, “Damnit, dad! You’re not prone to this infection like I am; you wouldn’t understand! Just because my urethra is shorter and way closer to my anus than yours is doesn’t mean I deserve this hell! Let Frasier handle all your dad-directed rage for you. Lord knows he’s got a lot to work with!
5. “Back in prep school, the Existentialist Club named me, ‘Most Likely To Be.”
Have you ever wondered if hooking up a cranberry juice IV is possible, and whether you could convince your nurse aunt to finagle something for you? She’ll say cranberry juice doesn’t really help anyway and to please call instead of text, because the screen on her phone is too small to read. Also, when was the last time you peed? And what color was it? This Frasier quote is just like that.
So next time you’re peeing daggers for six days straight, take a page out of Dr. Frasier Crane’s book and fight it with award-winning banter. These quotes are sure to heal your infected urethra in no time. Stay healthy!