8 Cranberry Cocktails That Won’t Help Your UTI At All


When you’ve got that painful, burning sensation every time you let out a single drop of pee, you’ve got a urinary tract infection, girl! UTIs feel awful, but staying at home to chug cranberry juice while everyone is at the bar will feel way worse. Fortunately, you can compromise, sort of! Here are some boozy cranberry juice cocktails that will absolutely not make your UTI any better, and might actually make it worse!


Vodka Soda With A Splash Of Cranberry

You can never go wrong with this cocktail classic—unless you order it thinking it will aid your UTI in any way. It won’t make a difference, even if you tell your bartender to make that splash of cranberry “more like a tsunami!”


Sex On The Beach

More famous for its flirty title than its fruity flavor, this cocktail has a name that’s fun to say—and is a reminder of how you got your UTI in the first place! Too bad the vodka and peach schnapps will suppress your immune system and further dehydrate you, making that cranberry juice completely useless. But going out is fun, so….



Cranberry Bellini

Brunch is all about the drinks so take advantage of the bottomless option by drinking an endless supply of cranberry bellinis. You’ll be able to do this without judgment—or any semblance of relief from your searing pelvic pain.



Made of just cranberry juice, fresh lime, triple sec, and vodka, this cocktail is strong— like the odor of your urine that is about to get even worse! With this always-in-fashion cocktail in your hand you’ll feel sleek and chic all night running to and from the bathroom. Wow, this night is not fun!


Cranberry Jell-o Shots

This cranberry cocktail goes down smooth, but be careful since they’re strong! If you pace yourself, you should be able to stay awake just long enough to make sure you eke out a few drops of pee post-coitus. Of course, the alcohol in the shots stops the antibiotics from working, but whatever! This is just who you are now!


Cranberry juice is an age-old UTI healer. When you put it in these cocktails you won’t feel any better—but you will have fun!