In an unfortunate development this evening, 29-year-old Valerie Higgins has texted her friend group to say, “Sorry y’all, slight change of plans!” hours before they intended to meet for a group outing.
The group understands that this can only mean one thing: The night is ruined.
“She’s bringing a new boyfriend for sure,” says Lauren Appel, friend of Valerie’s. “Either that, or she’s going to suggest we meet at like, midnight now instead of 7 like we planned.”
“No one ever says ‘slight change of plans’ and then actually proposes a good idea,” chimed in Valerie’s friend, Angel Bennett. “They only say it to soften the punch of announcing that they can’t pick us up or that someone has pneumonia.”
Though the cynicism may seem severe, past events do unfortunately validate their concerns: Of the six times in the past year Valerie has proposed a “slight change of plans”, each has resulted in what all sources present unanimously named an “unmitigated disaster of an evening”.
“There was the ‘slight change of plans’ where Valerie asked us to meet her at a bar an hour and a half outside of town, rather than the one down the street we had all originally planned on,” says Lauren. “We wound up getting lost outside of Cincinnati and never even getting to the bar.”
“And then there was the time her ‘slight change of plans’ involved trying molly for the first time on Claire’s birthday rather than just going out for drinks like Claire wanted,” adds Angel. “Claire doesn’t hang out with us anymore after that.”
As the situation currently stands, the friends are left in an anxious limbo between finding out Valerie has a slight change of plans, and finding out in exactly which way their night has been ruined.
“It’s like a Schrodinger’s Cat thing,” says Valerie’s co-worker, Yvonne Hudgens. “Until we see that follow-up text we can’t really know for sure if our night is ruined or not. But I’m telling you, that cat is dead.”
Amongst the friends, speculation runs rampant as to what Valerie could have in mind. Suggested possibilities range from her trying to merge two difficult friend groups tonight, to her inexplicably trying to get them all CPR certified – both of which have happened in the past, according to the group.
“I really just want to get dinner,” says Angel.