How to Leave A One-Night Stand With Your Dignity And His Cocker Spaniel

It’s the morning after your hot and heavy hook-up and you’re totally smitten. Not with the snoring lump next to you, but with the handsome little cocker spaniel licking your toes at the foot of the bed! There’s no reason to be ashamed of what you did last night! Here’s a foolproof guide to exiting his apartment gracefully with his prized pup in tow.


Move quickly and quietly.

Time is critical here so don’t dawdle. Log roll off the bed to avoid creaking and tip toe through the apartment as you pick up various items you’ll need as a new dog owner–leash, bowl, food, etc. Lucky for you it doesn’t seem like Brad really pampered his puppy so there’s not much. Or is his name Evan? Tom? Does it really matter? You’ve already forgotten him and inevitably so will his dog.


Mark your territory.

It’s important to let your lover know that you’re not messing around. Leave a note somewhere he’ll find it, like inside the fridge for when he needs his beer or mayonnaise. Be clear with him by writing, “HE’S MINE NOW. DON’T LOOK FOR US.” Skip out on the flowery language–I mean, this is the same guy who bought you a slice of pizza and called it a date. You’re a sexually empowered woman, and he’s just going to have to understand that your encounter was nothing more than two ships passing in the night. And one of those ships is stealing the other ship’s house pet and that’s to be expected.


Stuff your pockets with treats.

The surest way to win over your new dog is through slowly introducing yourself to the dog and showing him you’re trustworthy, but that will take way too long so just lure the pup to you with food. Now that your jeans smell like bacon-wrapped biscuits, there’s no denying you’re his de facto favorite person. I bet Jason never paid him that much attention. David? Whatever, the sex wasn’t even that great.


Just pick him up.

You’re a grown woman entitled to a little fun, and to a dog. Is it your fault if little Zeus follows you out the door? He probably would have done exactly that if you hadn’t already scooped him up into your tote bag? He weighs five pounds!


Hide in plain sight.

Once you’re safely out of the building, you’ll be tempted to catch a cab and hightail it out of there. But clip that leash on and maintain a slow, steady gait. This is the new order of things now. You left a guy’s apartment without saying goodbye. You have a new dog. This is womanhood.


BOOM! You just turned a walk of shame into a walk of dignity and blatant dog theft. Maybe you didn’t find the man of your dreams in your conquests, but you did find man’s best friend and that’s even better!