How To Get Through Your 20s Without Getting Fingered by a Barista

There’s a lot to worry about in your twenties: Who are you going to be? Will you find happiness? And how do you escape the indignity of getting fingered by a barista? Your twenties are the hardest decade to navigate, and even harder to do it without going to third base with a barista you barely know. Here’s how to have fun and maintain your sense of purpose without getting finger banged in the back of a Starbucks.


Be Aware of Your Surroundings

If you sniff the scent of coffee in the streets, it is likely you are near a coffee shop. That coffee shop will have baristas. Those baristas will have tattoos that you kind of want to lick and you don’t know why. Resist! Otherwise you will have to explain to your grandkids one day why you let the least-helpful Starbucks employee get all up in your shit, even though he had nothing to offer but his fingers that don’t really work. Dodging any and all coffee houses is simplest way to not get fingered by a barista—not even a little fingered, not even by the best barista.


Make Coffee at Home

Homemade coffee is a huge money-saver and can even save you time if you use one of those machines with a timer. But the best part about it is that a special home brew will keep you away from your barista. You know the one. He always knows your order and draws little doodles on your foam. Sure, he does that for everyone, but you’re still at risk! Stick to your mini-coffee maker in the kitchen if you want to make it to your thirties without some soggy barista fingers jammed up your pussy.



Double-Check the Profession of Any Person You’re Attracted To

If you cannot manage to stay inside for ten years, try checking with anyone you think might have the right knuckles for your vagina-shape to see what they do for a living. The sneaky thing about baristas is that they’re not always wearing those little aprons. Baristas roam the streets freely, moonlighting as DJs, comedians, or sometimes even non-profit employees. But no matter how they spend their free time, a barista is a barista. So if you don’t want the person who holds your life elixir to also be holding onto your puss, ask them what they do to be super sure. Remember: even if they only barista once a week, that’s not excuse to let them dabble in your downstairs.


Quit Coffee and Live in the Woods

Your only really effective option is to quit this lifestyle and live your days out in nature because access to baristas will always result in digital ramming. That’s the one lesson you don’t learn until you hit your thirties and it’s just too late. So pack up your shit and start learning about wood because this is your life now. Return in your thirties when you are no longer susceptible to lazy boy charm and you won’t get fingered by a barista.


So next time you’re in your twenties and also near a barista, keep your guard up. You don’t want to turn around and realize you’ve spent the majority of your twenties with a barista stuck inside you.