How To Lose Weight Without Getting Mad With Power

Congratulations! You’ve finally started to consistently lose weight. Welcome to the other side! Here you’re allowed to have opinions about food, dieting, and exercise and because you’re thin, your hunger obeys you.


Hold up! Do you feel drunk with power? It’s okay if you do; that’s a totally normal response to losing those last few stubborn pounds.


As you continue to lose weight, you may find yourself thinking, Is it really this simple? Is discipline and mindfulness all it takes? Or are you an actual deity? Sometimes it’s hard to tell, especially in relation to the others. If only you could make them see! They, with their cakes and candy and sweets! Do you ever join them in their hedonistic feast? No! You’re better than them; better than all of them! You alone know the truth and it is the truth which makes you mighty!



Which is why it’s important to manage your expectations. For example, do not let your godlike mastery of your own form get in the way of your personal relationships. You must be ready for their unsmiling eyes when they ask, “Have you been losing weight?” Of course you have. They are jealous. They will ask how you do it, the fools. Can’t they see your baggie of carrots and celery waiting obediently to be munched? Can’t they see the effervescent glow of your FitBit heralding your daily 12,000 steps? Are they too blind to notice that you’ve entered the egg white omelet you just ate into your weight-tracking app? YES. They are blinded by their own huge, weak bodies in the same way you once were! Still, you must never show it.


So, smile! Wave your hand and acknowledge the compliment. Say, “Oh, stop it. If anything, I’ve GAINED weight.” You must be a benevolent leader, for if they knew of the true power within you they would try to take it from you.


It’s always important to honor your own hard-earned achievements. After all, you had no help. You clawed your way through the seemingly endless darkness and into the light all by yourself. Only the chosen few—the strong, the truly great—should be permitted to experience the almighty high of stepping onto a scale and seeing that the number has gone DOWN. And you can have a hit whenever you fucking want because you are the powerful woman in the world. You are wise. You are beautiful. And you are only ten pounds away from your goal! HAHAHAHAHAHA! NOTHING CAN STOP YOU NOW. NOTHING.


Great job! Keep up the good work! And the ruse. The feeble mortals must never know.